Babes in the MirkWood
by alleymap
Summary: Four drunken hormonally charged female university students fall into Middle Earth...a genre that's been done to death, but its been done again involving alcohol....Ra! Read, hopefully laugh and review please! PG for some very bad language&it gets worse!
1. Pam gets the story going

A/N's....  
  
Hello people! Ok, first things first... We don't own LOTR, we don't own any of the actors/actresses who play them (although we wouldn't say no to some of them...) we are poor students, and we actually own little of value. Don't try to sue us.   
  
Secondly in the making of this fanfic, alcohol was consumed. To be honest... quite a bit. We blame the Blue Stuff completely.  
  
Right... we are;  
  
Kelly - English student, with a thing for hobbits.   
  
Rachel: History student also with a thing for hobbits, and a stomach to rival a hobbit's.   
  
Gemma - Education student, also dark, likes elves (there's always one!)  
  
Hannah - Mad person with a tendency for violence. Good person to have in a fight. Also a student. Likes men with lots of names.  
  
Pam - English student, likes men who come from Gondor and die young.   
  
So, this started as an email thing between friends, starting with those words that have gotten us all in trouble. 'What If?' What if we were on one of our many drinking sessions and fell down a hole into Middle Earth?   
  
Then we realised we would be Mary Sues. And then we decided we didn't care. And then we realised it wasn't the most original idea in the world. And we decided we also didn't care about that. So we did it. We mean no harm to anyone... Even Arwen....   
  
Ok... So read this if you want... if you like it and find any of it funny please review it. We also don't mind flames as we are students and they'll keep us warm in our terrible student accommodation.... Oh, and we don't mind if you imagine yourself and your friends in our place... we've all done it!   
  
Oh and sorry about the vast amount of in jokes... ask and we'll explain them.. if we can.  
  
Recipe for Blue Stuff - actually a common cocktail called Blue Lagoon - very drinkable.  
  
Vodka, Blue Curacuo, Lemonade, Lime Cordial.  
  
Mix ingredients in a jug with ice (experiment with amounts) drink copiously until you fall over. But don't try to sue us if you don't fall into Middle Earth. We are not responsible for any lack of holes to Middle Earth.   
  
***********************************  
  
It was a dark and scary night.... And four girls had decided to go out. But it was so dark and scary that they decided to hide from all the ghosts, goats, and goblins by hiding in the Powder Monkey (real name of a pub). To their surprise (ha) they discovered that it was a place that sold alcoholic beverages. Feeling it would be rude not to, the girls ordered a pitcher of the Blue Stuff. And another. And another. And a few more after that!  
  
The Blue Stuff was actually a liquid like a magic potion, and it had a strange effect on all of the girls.   
  
It made them very giggly.  
  
And they wanted to sing and dance.  
  
Despite not being very steady on their feet.  
  
The Blue Stuff tasted very nice, and made them feel so good that they kept on drinking it.   
  
"Does it come in pints?" Kelly asked.  
  
"No," Rachel explained, "But it does come in pitchers!"  
  
To celebrate this understanding, they had some more.   
  
Finally (several hours later) they had had enough of the Blue Stuff to feel brave enough to face all the monsters that lurked outside in the dark. And even made them feel brave enough to go to Sam's, a tiny little place where they could dance.   
  
The Blue Stuff was very magic indeed!  
  
Kelly, Rachel, Gemma and Pam were still very giggly and were happy. They were dancing and singing, and feeling very jolly indeed.   
  
Until Kelly fell in the hole.  
  
A very random hole.  
  
Kelly grabbed Rachel, as she fell, and Rachel fell in the hole!  
  
Rachel grabbed Gemma, and Gemma fell in the hole!   
  
Pam was left all alone by the hole. It was still dark, and although she wouldn't admit it, she was still a little bit scared. And now she was very lonely. So she jumped into the hole!  
  
Pam landed on Gemma, who had landed on Rachel and all three of them had landed on a very squashed Kelly.  
  
When they had managed to detangle themselves, they had a quick look around. It wasn't dark and scary here, but a very pretty golden shimmery wood. So they were happy because this place wasn't scary... so they danced some more and generally had a good time.  
  
Until Rachel fell over the tramp.  
  
She had thought that it was a pile of clothes, but it moved when she fell over it and then it admitted this strange sounding noise.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH"  
  
The tramp had a pointy hat on, and was holding a big stick. He also had a huge nose and a messy beard. He hit Rachel over the head with the big stick.  
  
"Fool of a Rachel!" he boomed.  
  
Rachel didn't take kindly to being hit over the head with a big stick. She grabbed the other end of it. The tramp struggled a bit. Rachel pulled harder. They ended up in an undignified tug of war.   
  
Pam and Kelly merely rolled their eyes at one another and giggled. Gemma went to help Rachel.  
  
"Aaargh! She bit me!" the tramp screamed.   
  
The tramp was losing.   
  
A bush nearby was shaking violently. A small curly haired thing burst from the branches and dashed towards the strange scuffle that was going on!  
  
"Leave Gandalf alone!" it cried. It tugged on Rachel's arm.  
  
Rachel suddenly paused. And stared. Very slowly she stepped away from the tramp. Then picked up the owner of a pair of very blue eyes. And stared. And stared. The owner of those beautiful blue eyes began to panic....  
  
"SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Another thing exploded from the bush. Sam ran towards Rachel and Frodo. Frodo was kicking his feet helplessly.   
  
"You leave Mr. Frodo alone, you big bully!"  
  
The tramp and the remaining girls stared at the sight of Rachel being mobbed by two hobbits. Frodo managed to jump down and ran into the bushes again followed by Sam. Rachel suddenly grinned and ran after them.  
  
Strange shrieks could be heard in the distance, along with the occasional 'Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo!!!!!" These punctuated the rest of the scene.  
  
"Shouldn't we go after them?" Pam asked.  
  
Gemma shrugged.  
  
"She's happy..." Kelly agreed.  
  
Pam was saved from her anxious worrying about the safety of the hobbits by the arrival of tall straggly looking man with a big sword and a girlie jewel around his neck.   
  
He dramatically jumped into the scene, sword above his head, and paused to see whether anyone was paying any attention.... The girls were dancing again and waving their hands about in the sunshine. Gandalf was examining his staff for damage.  
  
('Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!')  
  
The warrior stopped. He cleared his throat....  
  
"I am Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Strider the Ranger, and Elessar, King of all of Middle Earth...."  
  
No one paid any attention.   
  
"Ahem... I am Aragorn, Son of....."  
  
"We heard!" Gemma snapped.  
  
Aragorn bristled at this lack of respect.... "But I am..."  
  
"We know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Aragorn twirled his sword around. Again, no one was very impressed. He sighed and put it away.   
  
"Where did Frodo and Sam go?"  
  
The girls suddenly became very interested in their feet....  
  
Aragorn looked at them again. "Who exactly are you?"  
  
The girls had a brief huddle....   
  
"Do you think we should give Elvish names?" Kelly whispered.  
  
"Ooooh... I get to be Legolas!" Gemma squealed. Pam and Kelly scowled at her. "Oh, yeah, right, that's been taken...."  
"Lets just give our real names...." Pam decided. She cleared her throat... and choked for a little while.  
  
Kelly sighed, it was up to her... as usual. "I'm Kelly, that's Gemma, the one who's bent over double is Pam, and the one chasing hobbits is Rachel." Finished she folded her arms and stared defiantly at Aragorn.  
  
A strange keening noise could be heard in the distance... and it had nothing to do with hobbits and Rachel.  
  
Aragorn grabbed his sword. "Flee!" he yelled. Gandalf hid behind a tree, Aragorn behind a nearby log. The girls covered their ears at the terrible shrieking noise.  
  
"What the hell is that?" Gemma asked....  
  
A streak of green and blond ran very quickly by. He seemed to be screaming...   
  
"Helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelp"  
  
Soon afterwards a stampede of teenage girls came into the clearing.  
  
'Where is he?" one asked  
  
"He came this way!"  
  
"He can't have got far!"  
  
They all looked at the stunned three girls who were staring petrified at thousands of girls looking at them.. Some of them had used sellotape to make their ears pointy.  
  
"Hey...did you see an elf go by?" the leader looked questioningly at them.  
  
A slim booted foot slid out from behind the nearest tree and kicked Kelly in the ankle.   
  
"OW!" she shouted. The fangirls looked at her... "I mean... um... no, we haven't."  
  
"Maybe he went that way...." Gemma pointed to the other side of the clearing.  
  
"Yeah... He must have.. thanks... bye!"  
  
The stampede headed off in the opposite direction, some shouting "I want your babies Leggy!"  
  
A fierce battle cry was heard from the woods....   
  
"For Gondor...."  
  
A man and a dwarf flung themselves from the wood. They tried not to show too much relief at the sight of the empty clearing. Legolas, the Pretty Elf came out from his hiding place as did Gandalf and Aragorn.  
  
The three newcomers looked around curiously at the girls. Kelly flicked her hair in the direction of the Pretty Elf, who smiled and flicked his back. The Pretty Elf decided that Kelly had nice shiny blonde hair (like his) and was worthy of a hair flicking competition. It continued for a while, until Kelly got bored. The Pretty Elf pouted prettily, he liked flicking his hair. Pam was waving at Boromir who got scared by the sudden appearance of all these women, and tried to hide behind Gimli. It didn't work. She started batting her big brown eyes at him. Boromir hid behind the tree.   
  
Aragorn decided that he hadn't said anything for a while. "I am Aragorn, Son of Arathorn..."  
  
Gimli elbowed him in the ribs. Aragorn collapsed winded.   
  
"So this is Middle Earth..." Kelly mused.   
  
All three girls started laughing hysterically.  
  
*************************  
  
So what happens next?  
  
Does Frodo survive Rachel?  
  
And do the girls ever stop laughing?   
  
How will the Fellowship cope with all the hormones that are flying about? This could get messy! 


	2. Kelly's Chapter

A/N: Well, next bit up... sorry the first bit was a tad long...   
  
Writing style changes here as Kelly takes over from Pam!   
  
For disclaimer see Part One... we own nothing!  
  
No member of the Fellowship was hurt in the making of this fanfic (not seriously anyway... traumatized - yes - hurt - no)  
  
*******************************************  
  
Someone had to take charge of the situation and seeing how the wizard had the biggest staff, he decided it would be him.  
  
"Look, we don't have time to be messing about with silly young girls." Gandalf said.  
  
The girls pouted, and so did the elf.  
  
"We are on a very important quest. We are the FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING."   
  
As Gandalf said these words (and they actually came with the capitals) a fantastic piece of music came out of nowhere.  
  
The girls looked round think it was the Blue Stuff again.   
  
Aragorn, the warrior with the girlie jewel and a sexy leather jacket sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
"I wish that would stop happening. We're never going to be able to creep up on Sauron with that bloody racket going on."  
  
The girls were impressed. They had managed to find a group a sexy men that actually came with their own soundtrack.  
  
Gemma finally stopped giggling. (She had had the Blue Stuff before and had a strong resistance to it) "So what does a FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING actually do then?"  
she asked and winced as the music started up again.   
  
"Well," Boromir said from behind the tree, "We have to take the most powerful ring in all of the world to the most evil place in all of the world and destroy it so the most evil wizard in all of the world can't get his hands on it."  
  
"Oh, right then," said Pam. "Best get a move on then."  
  
"Yes, exactly....WHAT?" Gandalf turned and stared in shock.  
  
"She's right," Kelly said firmly. "There is no time to waste."  
  
The Pretty Elf, Legolas, flicked his hair happily at this new turn of events.   
  
Aragorn pulled himself together and walked over to the three girls and bowed deeply, and placed his hands on the hilt of his sword.  
  
"Ladies, I understand that you may be warriors in your homelands;"   
  
Gemma snickered and Pam elbowed her in the ribs.   
  
Aragorn coughed and glared at them. "Ahem, anyway, this is a dangerous quest that may cost some, or all of us, our lives. The FELLOWSH..."  
  
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Everyone yelled in unison and Aragorn paused as a note of music hung in the air, realised that no others were coming and then sheepishly sidled off.  
  
Aragorn was now turning purple with anger at having been interrupted twice. "Well the point is that you can't come. So there!"  
  
Boromir, who had come out from behind the tree and was now catching the kisses that Pam was blowing at him, turned to Gandalf.  
  
"Let them come Gandalf. Tell him he can't make all of the decisions - its not fair! Aragorn makes all the decisions and its not fair!"  
  
Gandalf sighed and kicked Gimli the Dwarf who had taken the opportunity to have a nap.  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
Gimli scratched his beard. "Womenfolk can cook. Let them come."  
  
Gandalf raised his staff authoritatively. "Right- they can assist the quest."  
  
"Hurray!" yelled the Girls.  
  
"Wait!" cried Boromir as they all began to walk West. "What about Frodo and Sam and your friend?"  
  
Kelly smiled knowingly. "Oh don't worry about her, she'll turn up when its dinner time! And don't worry about the others... She won't really hurt them.  
To be Continued..... (hopefully) 


	3. Back To Pam

A/N: Wow! People have reviewed! Thank you to everyone who did (see below)  
  
Pam's back! And she's ready to cause some chaos in Middle Earth... if she can summon up the energy.  
  
We have quite a bit written already, its just a case of getting them up on the site, so this should be updated with new chapters soon! Please keep reading and reviewing.  
  
Also... if anyone has any suggestions please stick 'em in a review... all will be considered....   
  
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To those that reviewed:  
  
Incurelf: Thank you sweetie, we are writing more (see above) so keep an eye out for new chapters!  
  
A.Spencer: Rocky Horror? We never really saw it like that but we love Rocky Horror so that's a huge compliment for us! Thank you! *starts singing Timewarp under her breath*.   
  
Earenindiel Silverwing: We agree... Poor Leggy! And why does he get all the women... I much prefer Boromir.... Yum! And a much underrated character methinks! *starts dreaming about Boromir and Sean Bean in general.....sigh*  
Aagh! The Fangirls are coming!   
  
The Ringspell: Sorry darling, but that's the way we act when we're drunk... We're very ladylike y'know! Gemma does occasionally end up puking but usually we just end up drunkenly watching Fellowship extended DVD and skipping straight to Disk 2..so the hobbit lovers don't get way more fun than the Fellowship lovers and then arguing over various pedantic points and falling asleep way before the end! But fair's fair, I'll try and make us a bit drunker... I might have to go and do some research though... where's that bottle of vodka?  
  
***********************************************  
There was a vicious standoff happening.   
  
The Fellowship (original members) were cowering.  
  
Pam and Kelly were debating whether they should offer Gandalf the chance to write his will....  
  
Gandalf was staring at Gemma, and Gemma was glowering right back.  
  
"What exactly is wrong with my clothes?!"  
  
Gandalf swept a long glance over Gemma and the other two girls. Gemma was wearing funky combats with long dangling strips, Pam (and Rachel wherever the hell she was) were in their usual uniform of jeans and t-shirts, and Kelly in a shirt and jeans.   
  
"We are about to travel into the depths of Mordor, and you're wearing trousers with dangly bits.... Not exactly practical, are they?" Gandalf shouted.   
  
"Where I come from... these are highly fashionable, I'll have you know!" Gemma screamed right back..."And your robes aren't exactly the most flattering outfit I've ever seen, big powerful wizard or not!"  
  
It suddenly got very dark.. and a gale picked up around Gandalf.  
  
His hat blew off into the bushes. Pam and Kelly ran to retrieve it... he might need it later. (Pam fell over, still under the influence of the Blue Stuff, but thankfully Boromir didn't notice)  
  
"DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME, WENCH!"  
  
Gemma did not take kindly to being called 'Wench'. She charged. Gandalf took aim with his staff and the dangly bits flew off Gemma's trousers. (They flew into the bush that Gimli was hiding in, and in delight he plaited them into his beard.)   
  
Gemma passed out. Kelly and Pam dragged her over to the nearest log and rested her against it.   
  
"Should we slap her?" Pam asked gleefully.  
  
Kelly was too busy flicking her hair at the pretty elf again.   
  
Gandalf retreated into the corner muttering to himself. It wasn't repeatable or suitable for sensitive ears.  
  
"Well what are we going to do now?" Gimli frowned. But he cheered up as he stroked his new beard adornments.   
  
The Fellowship looked down at the unconscious girls. (Pam had taken the opportunity to have a brief nap... the Blue Stuff always made her sleepy.) A trail of drool was coming from Gemma's wide open mouth and Pam was making little snuffling noises in her sleep.   
  
Kelly was deep in conversation with Legolas about the vast amount of hair products available for blond hair, but paused when she heard Gimli's question.  
  
"We could have some dinner." She tossed her hair once more at Legolas. "That'll get Rachel back as well."  
Aragorn decided that he was being ignored again, and everyone knew that he was the star of this film.... um... fanfic... um.. thing.   
  
He strode forward purposefully, "I am Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, King of all of Middle Earth.... And I say when we stop for dinner..."  
  
Boromir stuck his foot out and tripped Aragorn. This woke Pam up and she giggled and waved at Boromir. He grinned back.   
  
The beginning of this little flirtation was interrupted by the arrival of a horse like woman. And her horse.  
  
"What this? A ranger caught..... Oh, shit... LINE?"  
  
The woman gazed blankly around the forest and folded her arms. "LINE?" she screamed again in a nasal American accent.   
  
Aragorn glanced up at his beloved from where he was still sprawled on the ground and pulled his cape over his head. "If I can't see her, she can't see me..." he could be heard whispering to himself.  
  
"You just keep telling yourself that m'dear." Kelly patted him on the head through his cloak.   
  
"I'm still waiting for my line!" the horse like woman sulked. "My daddy's very famous you know.... He could have you all killed!"  
  
From some where in the trees behind the group there was a rustle of paper...And a hoarse (hahahahahah) whisper:  
  
"A ranger caught off his guard...."  
  
The horse like woman brightened. "Oh yeah, guard, yeah. Always have trouble with that." She cleared her throat. "What's this, yadayadayada, caught off his guard, like whatever..."  
  
She tapped her foot waiting for Aragorn's reply. He still hid under his cloak.   
  
"ARAGORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The mirror that Legolas was admiring himself in shattered in his hand as the high pitched shriek rang through the wood. He pouted.  
  
Aragorn slowly pulled the cloak from over his head.  
  
"Oh, Arwen, ... hi babe, how's things?"  
  
Arwen was glaring at Kelly, the now awake Pam, and the still snoring Gemma with something like disgust. They studiously ignored her. Arwen stamped her foot.   
  
"Aragorn!!!!!!!! I thought you said there was no other women in this movie, except Granny and Eowyn. And you told me that Eowyn looks like the back of a bus! I hate you! I hate you! Daddy is so going to hear about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Really, babe, I have no idea where they came from.... Honest! They just appeared....Maybe they're elves... yeah, elves!"  
  
"No elves could ever be that ugly." Arwen tossed her hair back. Kelly laid a warning hand on Pam's arm.   
  
"Yeah.... Ok.. whatever you say sweetheart... Um, what are you doing here anyway? Your part's over in this movie."  
  
"Yeah, part that you stole off Glorfindal, spoilt bitch." Pam muttered. Boromir smirked.   
  
"Oh, yeah, I found two hobbits in the wood. I brought them back." She pointed at her horse, where a very disheveled Frodo and Sam sat.   
  
"Wasn't there a girl with them?" Kelly asked.   
  
Arwen shrugged. "Yeah, but I left her behind. I only rescue men."  
  
She twirled her hair around a finger, and batted her eyelashes at Boromir (had to keep Aragorn on his toes...). Kelly fought to restrain Pam who looked ready to kill.  
  
Right on cue, Rachel burst through the bushes, wild eyed with twigs in her very messy hair. She was followed by two different hobbits.  
  
"Bitch!" she hissed at Arwen. "You stole my Frodo!"  
  
Frodo hid behind Sam. Merry and Pippin were staring at the new arrivals with a very wicked glint in their eyes. Kelly stopped flicking her hair at Legolas when she noticed Merry. And Merry noticed Kelly's lovely pair... of... um.. big blue eyes. Legolas sulked, but then noticed that Gemma, (who was waking up) had lovely hair and perked up. Boromir and Pam were grinning daftly at each other. Arwen took one look at a very mad Rachel and made a quick exit. Aragorn tried not to sigh in relief!  
  
Rachel grinned at her friends. "I found those two collecting mushrooms in the forest. Said they were for Gandalf."  
  
Gandalf made a grumbling noise in his throat, and made desperate hand signals at Pippin... who looked blankly at the odd gesturing wizard.   
  
The air was rife with hormones.   
  
"So," Rachel said, rubbing her hands together. "What's for dinner?"  
  
*******************************  
Well, not great, but still....  
  
Tune in for Kelly's chapter up next!   
  
Will Boromir and Pam get any further than grinning at each other?  
  
Will Gandalf admit his drug problem?  
  
Will Aragorn escape Arwen?  
  
Will the girls have a hangover and regret their actions in the morning? (more than likely!)  
  
And what exactly is for dinner?  
  
R&R 


	4. Here's Kelly!

A/N: Aha... Kelly is back in charge of the keyboard and the story... here goes...   
  
Oh and we don't own Dominos. But the amount of business we've given them - we should have shares in the company.  
  
************************************  
  
"No dinner." Gandalf said assertively. (He was a wizard after all, and beginning to notice a distinct lack of respect since the girls had arrived) "We have to make progress. I fear that we have lingered here too long."  
  
"Hang on," interrupted Rachel. "Where are we going?"  
  
Pippin smiled up at her. "You know, that's what I said." He frowned. "Actually, I really wish I hadn't asked."  
  
He spoke with a lovely lilting Scottish accent, which made Kelly glare at him disapprovingly. She couldn't get to grips with a Scottish accent and he was quite obviously flouting his Scottishness deliberately.   
  
So this motley group of adventurers left the clearing. Gandalf took the lead (he had staff issues) followed by a disheveled Frodo and a slightly shell shocked Sam. Rachel followed behind grumbling about food and winking suggestively at Frodo whenever he turned round.  
  
The Pretty Elf walked behind them chatting to Gimli about the relative merits of Frizz Ease compared to an own brand styling serum.   
  
Then came Merry and Pippin, who were almost skipping with excitement, holding hands with Kelly.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir were behind them, pushing and trying to out swagger each other.  
  
Bringing up the rear were Pam and Gemma, arms linked and giggling while pointing to the rears in front of them...  
  
The party made quite a merry way through the forest, and everyone was beginning to feel quite relaxed and happy, except Gandalf. (It's the staff...)  
  
However, as with all these good times, they can never last...  
  
Frodo started to sway and roll his eyes while moaning softly.  
  
Sam grabbed him before he hit the ground. "Mr. Frodo, sir! Mr. Frodo!"  
  
Rachel turned around her hands in the air. "I never touched him! I never laid a finger on him, honest!"  
  
"It's the Ring, isn't it, Mr. Frodo sir? I know it's the Ring."  
  
"Oh, shut up!" said Gemma, who could never stand a kiss ass. "Move out of my way - I know CPR."  
  
Before Gemma could get to the moaning hobbit, there was a sound of horse's hooves and a sudden chill in the air.   
  
"Quick everyone!" Aragorn yelled, pleased to have something heroic to do, he liked the way his cloak swished when he was fighting. "It's the Nazgul!"   
  
The whole group made a mad dash for the nearest group of trees to hide, which resulted in a somewhat undignified scuffle, which sorry to say ended up with the wizard, Boromir and Aragorn hiding at the back, and the girls pushed to the front.  
  
"You're treading on my beard!" Gimli glared at Gemma, who responded by sticking her tongue out at him.  
  
"There's something poking me!" Pam complained.  
  
"Wouldn't be the first time..." muttered Rachel.   
  
"Sorry, that would be me..." whispered Boromir, looking a bit sheepish. "Its my long sword."  
  
"You're telling me!" Pam returned saucily and licked her lips.   
  
"Be quiet!" hissed Aragorn. "The Nazgul are evil servants of the Ring. They will stop at nothing to return it to Sauron."  
  
Frodo was still rolling his eyes and shaking in a blatant display of drama school over acting. Sam and Pippin were holding his hands and trying to calm him down. Merry however was laid with his head in Kelly's lap, doing impressions of the others to make her laugh. She was so impressed she flicked her hair at him, causing the Pretty Elf to sulk.   
  
Suddenly everyone went silent as the horse hooves drew closer, and came to a stop in front of the trees where the group was hiding.   
  
No one moved and the forest became deathly silent, as though the very claws of the grave were reaching out to claim them for its own.  
  
"Pizza!"  
  
No one moved.  
  
"Erm... Did someone order a Domino's Pizza? A large deep pan four seasons.'  
  
"It's a trick!" hissed Boromir. "An evil trick to get the Ring."  
  
"No it isn't," said Rachel getting to her feet. "It's my dinner."  
  
Rachel marched out onto the path, followed by Gemma, Pam, and Aragorn. Kelly was still sitting under the trees, tickling Merry's hobbit feet.  
  
Sat astride a huge black stallion was the awe inspiring figure of a Ringwraith, one of the nine Kings of Men, who had become servants to Sauron and the Ring, neither dead or alive they haunted the path of the Ring, striking fear into the hearts of all that saw Them, and this one was wearing a baseball cap.   
  
Aragorn had now been joined by Boromir, slightly braver now they were only faced with a pizza delivery boy.   
  
"But... you're a Ringwraith, man!" he stuttered. "You were awesome! What happened?"  
  
The Wraith shrugged and handed the steaming box of food down to the waiting girls, who had now been joined by Gimli and a surprisingly well recovered Frodo.   
  
"Things change, y'know. The guys wanted to do one thing, I felt I needed to do my own thing, y'know? I think it was just creative differences. I'm just doing this gig for now, y'know? Then I've got this solo project coming up, that's just me, without the other eight guys, so that's going to be really exciting, y'know?"  
  
Boromir nodded that he did indeed 'know' and wandered off to see if he could share some of Pam's meat feast.   
  
Gandalf sighed when he realised that he had been left with the bill and the tip.  
  
He knew that they shouldn't have let the girls come.... 


	5. Pam's turn! And she gets lucky!

A/N: Hey is the room getting smaller is my head getting bigger?!  
  
Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, we're really glad that you like this! Please keep reading.  
  
On a personal note: BIG CONGRATULATIONS ARE DUE TO KELLY!!  
  
Love ya honey, and I'm so excited and happy for you! Pam.xxxxxxx  
  
Oh, and I'm a little bit hyper at the moment because in a weeks time (Sat 1st March) we're going up to London to see Sean Bean in 'Macbeth'!! I've promised Kel that I'm on my best behaviour, I won't due anything stupid (streak, storm the stage, declare undying love to Sean during the quiet bits) - but I can't guarantee it! I have to add this note to make people jealous, and because I am seriously hyper!  
  
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To all our reviewers - who are being phenomenally nice and lovely!  
  
Dave Rocks: Thank you! We also want to find one of those holes [what do you mean they don't exist?] - if we do, I promise we'll tell you where it is!  
  
Brassy Bane: To be honest, we didn't write it when we were drunk, we just get the ideas! Chapters are usually written with a raging hangover. And thank you for the compliment on our grammar (hope to God you weren't being sarcastic) - we're English students, it would be terrible if we didn't have a reasonable grasp of it. And be warned! It might get a bit more Mary Sue-ish. I mean, what is the point of falling to Middle Earth if you can't seduce your favourite character? Just a warning, but I hope you'll keep reading anyway!  
  
Incurelf: Aah! You reviewed again! We love you! In this case, it is not the drugs the people in the white coats have been giving you (and that is entirely your business!), Kelly is doing another chapter. Kelly and I [Pam] are the two who actually write this - Gemma and Rachel just slob about on the sofa occasionally shouting out ideas. Oh and you might have to fight Gemma for Legolas! And we're going as fast as we can! I mean, 5 Chapters in three days!   
  
********************************  
  
Night was drawing in.  
  
Stuffed with pizza and under the influence of the Blue Stuff, the girls were knackered. All they wanted to do was sleep!   
  
Pam stood up and stretched. In the way that only Pam can do (people have put forward the theory of mild narcolepsy) she fell asleep mid stretch. Boromir - in a bit of a panic- caught her two inches above the floor. He was now sitting bolt upright with Pam's head in his lap, too scared to move.  
  
"Gimli...What do I do?" he hissed, gesturing at the snoring girl.   
  
"Enjoy it?" the dwarf sniggered. Even Legolas stopped admiring himself long enough to have a laugh at the petrified warrior.  
  
"Nothing in my training prepared me for this.." Boromir muttered.   
  
The Hobbits, [including Merry who had been forcibly removed from Kelly - part of the enemy] were as far away from the girls as they could (suspicious minds these hobbits). Frodo kept glancing furtively at Rachel, who was winking constantly at him. Frodo huddled closer to Sam!  
  
The hobbits made Gimli and Aragorn sleep between them and the girls. It was safer that way.  
  
"Aagh!"  
  
The strange cry at dawn woke everyone up. Particularly Boromir.   
  
"Aagh! Late! Late!"  
  
Pam jumped up and ran into the bathroom. "Late!" she whimpered around her toothbrush.   
  
"What are you doing girl?" Kelly asked from the doorway.   
  
"Am late! Have lecture. Haven't prepared the 'Orestia'! Neither have you! And Paul Lawley's taking us! She stared in horror at Kelly. "Well, don't just bloody stand there, woman! Tell me everything you know about Greek tragedy!"  
  
[Of course due to the foreign object in Pam's mouth - no laughing in the back there!- this came out as 'anfgusdknhgfsdbnuhnvkl;sdjkafaokvandasdfnsdgknhbpadhakdkb!]  
  
She fought with the taps.   
  
"Pam, sweetie...do you notice anything odd?" Kelly asked gently.   
  
Pam frowned. "Yes. These bloody taps aren't working." [faucet for all those Americans out there]  
  
"That's a tree, sweetie. And you're trying to brush your teeth with a twig."  
  
"Yuck!" Pam spat bits of bark out of her mouth.   
  
"And we're in Middle Earth."  
  
"Oh yeah!' Pam brightened. Then she moaned. "Oh, my fucking head!"  
  
Kelly was remarkably perky - she had a good resistance to the Blue Stuff herself.   
  
"Yeah - Gemma's being sick, and Rachel's feeling so bad that she's even leaving Frodo alone. So I don't think we're going to make it to our lecture."  
  
"Shame."  
  
The girls were hung-over. Frodo was still petrified of Rachel. Boromir was nursing a bleeding nose, from where Pam's head had connected with it on her mad dash. He also hadn't slept a wink all night. And Aragorn was convinced that every noise he heard was Arwen coming back. He was therefore a nervous wreck.   
  
Gandalf decided it was time to make a move... again. He told the girls that they would be heading into the mountains. Pam, being the only one with mountain experience [no - a weekend on Snowdonia does not count Kel!] immediately got very bossy and started demanding what equipment and insurance the group had. Gandalf rolled his eyes and walked off to bang his head against a tree.  
  
"Good thing I brought this then." Pam said waving a bar of Kendal Mint Cake around.  
  
Kelly privately wondered why Pam carried Kendal Mint Cake with her.  
  
"The sooner we bloody well get going then..." Rachel groaned and staggered forward. Gemma followed her. Unfortunately they headed the way the Fellowship had just come, and had to run to catch up with the rest of the group who had gone the right way.  
  
("Nothing like that sweet minty goodness when you're stuck up a mountain," Pam was enthusing to Gimli who was listening avidly. "Much better than Mithril.")  
  
Hangovers raging the girls soon decided that this wasn't as much fun as they thought it would be.   
  
Also, as the reset of the Fellowship headed over a peak in the distance, they realised they weren't as fit as they should be or had thought they were.  
  
(Apparently, sitting around watching DVD's, eating bacon sandwiches and drinking cherry coke - with the odd foray outside to go to a lecture or shopping- is not conductive to a healthy life style.)  
  
As each member of the Fellowship climbed the rocky outcrop, they paused heroically, composing their features into a suitably intense and brooding expression. Boromir was the last through, and it was a few moments before Rachel staggered up.  
  
Something big and heavy smacked her in the head.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!" she howled.   
  
Pam and Gemma caught her, narrowly avoiding a domino effect of females.   
  
A guy sitting on a camera rig was rifling through a script.  
  
"Aragorn...check. Hobbits...check. Boromir...check. Strange random girls... nope,... no mention here."  
  
He glanced curiously at the girls.   
  
"Bastard!" Rachel swore. "Don't you need a bloody license or something to operate that stuff?!"  
  
"Well...the script says that Boromir is the last through. Doesn't mention anyone else."  
  
"Hello?! Like standing right here!" Rachel was getting very agitated. Getting hit in the head by a large swinging camera had not helped her hangover one bit. "Why don't you check before you swing that bloody camera about!"  
  
"Because you're not supposed to be here. This is entirely your fault."  
  
"Right! That's it! I'm going to ram that fucking camera right up your arse!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
(Pam, Kelly and Gemma struggle to pull Rachel off the camera man whom she is throttling. There is an awful lot of swearing and people's mother's are being insulted. Which isn't very nice.)  
  
Rachel was finally removed from the camera man's person. She began to calm down. The camera man muttered something like 'crazy bitch' and narrowly avoided death once more. He then noticed Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas and Gimli poking interestedly around his camera.   
  
"hey - hey you -in the stupid outfits! Yeah.. you! Get away from that! Shoo!"  
  
Various swords, axes and bows were drawn.  
  
"Fine..." the camera man backed away, hands up. "Its yours... keep it. Fucking loco people!"  
  
And with that he fled out of this story.   
  
They decided it might be time to have a break. The hobbits immediately started cooking. Gandalf and Gimli puffed on their weed. Aragorn preened over his sword.   
  
Boromir decided to show Pam his skills with his nice long sword, and Merry showed off to Kelly with his smaller, but perfectly formed and entirely useable sword.  
  
All was well until they saw the cloud.  
  
"Ai! Ai! A cloud!" screamed Legolas. (Moisture made his hair frizzy)  
  
"Birds..." muttered Kelly.  
  
"It's moving against the wind!" Boromir added.  
  
"Birds..." Pam sighed.   
  
"Hide!" Aragorn yelled.   
  
The Fellowship hid in various places, except the girls, who due to living in Devon had experienced the evil seagulls, and weren't the least bit frightened of birds. (And someone had to keep an eye on Bill the Pony)  
  
"You can come out now!" yelled Gemma.  
  
Slowly the Fellowship began to emerge from their hiding places.   
  
"Hey...where's Boromir?" asked Pippin.  
  
Kelly's head whipped round. "And Pam's missing as well... Aha!"  
  
She suddenly spotted a very familiar pair of trainers and denimed legs sticking out of a bush. Next to some blue boots and legs. The bush appeared to be giggling.   
  
Kelly grabbed the legs attached to the trainers and pulled. A blushing Pam slid out of the bush. Legolas and Aragorn did the same to a grinning Boromir.  
  
Rachel sighed and turned to Gemma. "That's five quid I owe you then. I was convinced that she'd jump him...not the other way round!"  
  
"Oh, right!' sulked Aragorn, "You get to bring your girlfriend along on this quest!"  
  
"She's not my girlfriend!" Boromir blushed. "I can barely remember her name!"  
  
"Pam." Pam supplied helpfully.   
  
"Yeah, but she still gets to come along..." Aragorn suddenly squinted at Boromir and jumped back. "Aaaaagh! What's that stuff on your face?"  
  
Boromir touched the sticky stuff that coated his beard, chin and mouth. "Aah! What new devilry is this?"  
  
Pam paused in her application of lip gloss. "You weren't complaining a second ago!"  
  
Aragorn grabbed the tube and chucked it away as if it might scald him. It landed in a nearby bush.   
  
"Hey!" Pam protested, her lip trembling slightly. It was her favourite.   
  
"Leave her alone!" Boromir yelled at Aragorn.   
  
Pam and Kelly were impressed... although they could capably look after themselves (in fact Pam could kickbox and Kelly had a piercing death stare she had perfected) it was nice when a man did it sometimes. In the right situation of course!  
  
[Nobody noticed Legolas rummaging in the bush and pocketing what he found... although everyone thought the elf had lovely shiny lips for the rest of the story.]  
  
"Sticking up for your girlfriend? Boromir's got a girlfriend, Boromir's got a girlfriend!" Aragorn taunted Boromir in a silly voice.   
  
"Yeah.. well... at least my girlfriend doesn't look like a horse!"  
  
The fellowship gasped. (It disguised the smirks.)  
  
"Eowyn doesn't look like a horse!"  
  
"I was talking about Arwen."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"She looks like a horse and she sounds like a horse. And it was her dad, who thankfully, stopped her from coming. Which was good for everyone but you, ranger boy! Gondor has no horse and Gondor needs no horse!"  
  
Legolas and Gimli were now openly smirking. The hobbits were doing it behind their hands.  
  
"Gandalf..."Aragorn said through gritted teeth. "Tell Boromir that Eow- I mean - Arwen, does not look like a horse!"  
  
Gandalf shuffled his feet.  
  
"Um... Arwen does not... Oh my! Is that the time? C'mon, c'mon, we have a Ring to destroy and all that, can't hang around here all day, no we have to get to Mordor!"  
  
Gandalf strode purposefully off. Relieved the Fellowship followed.  
  
Boromir and Aragorn were both sulking. The silence was only broken by the occasional 'neighing' sound. Bizarrely, it didn't always come from the direction of Boromir.   
  
*************************  
  
Could things get any worse for THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING?  
  
[pause to wait for music to die down.  
  
'Just where exactly is that bloody orchestra coming from? Kelly asked]  
  
Of course it could! It started to snow.....................................  
  
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C'mon people... review! We need to be marked on our work! We're doing a creative writing module! We need criticism! Please? Pretty please!   
  
Oh, and Kelly's back for the next chapter. 


	6. Kelly gets lucky

A/N: Kelly's back again!  
  
*****************************  
  
The mountains were a cold and perilous path and the Fellowship were subdued after the disruption of the bird spies. Well... the majority of the Fellowship were subdued, Boromir was quite happy and Pam was even happier as Boromir was giving her a piggy back so she didn't spoil her trainers.   
  
As the snow came down the hobbits struggled to move forward, though the Pretty Elf showed off by walking over the snow.  
  
"Bloody show off." Kelly muttered under her breath.  
  
"Hey!" said Gemma. "Leave him alone!"  
  
Kelly and Merry exchanged a look - this could be interesting...  
  
Eventually Gandalf brought the straggling Fellowship to a halt and conferred with Gimli.  
  
"Right. It is clear that we can no longer continue in this weather."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock," said Rachel irritably. She was turning blue with cold and carrying a frozen Frodo tucked under her right arm.  
  
Gandalf gave her a look, but remembering her record for violence, wisely chose to ignore her.  
  
"We are near the ancient Mines of Moria. We can find shelter there, and a path through the mountain, though it is a dangerous road we shall take...."  
  
"Right then," said Gemma. "So this Moira bird has got a warm, dry cave round here then? Lets go!"  
  
Gandalf shook his head and carried on down the path. Legolas giggled and flicked his hair appreciatively at Gemma. She glared back, but when the others weren't looking she winked at him and licked her lips.  
  
The entrance to the cave was a huge ornate door carved into the very living side of the mountain. Gandalf was already rolling up his sleeves in an efficient way when the girls reached the door.   
  
Pam climbed down off Boromir's back, somewhat reluctantly. Rachel put Frodo down, although it is fair to say that she spent rather a long time making sure he was thoroughly warm....  
  
Gemma walked into Pam, while licking her lips at the Pretty Elf again.   
  
Kelly had arrived at last, as she had been walking along between Merry and Pippin. They had been trying to keep her warm with their cloaks, with the result that from the waist down she was exceedingly warm.... And her face was blue.  
  
The door to the cave was glowing in the moonlight and words written in a strange Elvish script could be seen.  
  
"This is an ancient message. A special password is needed to be able to enter."  
  
Gandalf stood in front of the door and began to speak in a low rumbling tone, weird and mysterious words.   
  
There was a low rumble of thunder....and nothing.  
  
Gemma folded her arms impatiently and Rachel sniggered.  
  
Gandalf straightened his robes and started again... only to be interrupted by Merry...  
  
"I think you have it wrong.... I think I know what the password is."  
  
Gandalf turned around very slowly, and stared at the hobbit. Pippin hid behind Kelly and Boromir hid behind Pam, but Merry stood his ground.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"  
  
"I think the password is 'friend'." As Merry spoke these words the door swung silently open. Gandalf stood apoplectic with rage as Gimli, Aragorn and Boromir strode past and into the cave.   
  
Kelly turned and hugged the delighted hobbit, and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and then another, and then another, and then another.....  
  
"Psst."  
  
Pam looked round, there was no one there.   
"Psst!!"  
  
Pam looked round again. "What?"  
  
"Sorry to interrupt, but that was meant to be Frodo's line. You know, the door thing. Just a small point. Thanks."  
  
The disembodied voice had just the faintest twang of a Kiwi accent.   
  
Pam looked at Gemma... "Was that....?"  
  
"You don't mean...?"  
  
"Oh my God!"  
  
Gemma looked over at Frodo. "He's a bit too busy to be opening doors at the moment anyway!"  
  
Gemma and Pam stood giggling at the sight of Rachel and Frodo furiously kissing.   
  
The romantic picture was only marred only slight by the fact that Frodo was standing on a rock.  
  
*************************  
  
R&R.. you know the drill.  
  
Chapter 7 will be up soon! 


	7. Mines of Moira

A/N: Hello! Pam's back again! And yet more reviews have come in! We are really pleased that every one likes this, and we love all our reviewers (grovel grovel) please review more! We need it!   
  
***********************  
  
Incurelf: Hello again m'dear! Boromir, Richard Sharpe, Alec Trevelyan, Mellors, hey, if its played by Sean Bean I like it! (Except maybe dodgy Irish character in Patriot Games... but that's for personal reasons!). Although the first three I mention are my favourites. *starts drooling again* . Oh and obviously Kelly has a thing for Dominic Monaghan - she started off liking Leggy, but we were watching the commentary on the DVD of Fellowship, and she just suddenly switched. Oh well, that's Kelly for you! And our regards to Pretty Elf! [Can I have my lip gloss back please? Ta petal]  
  
Elfy Baby Blue: Funky name! Thank you for your lovely words. Haven't stopped grinning yet!  
  
Taurus Dragon: Oh my! We're on a favourites list? Thank you! Hope this chapter will make you laugh. Oh and drink a pint of water before going to bed... always stops my hangover. Oh and a bacon sandwich and a can of cherry coke is the ultimate hangover cure! Never fails for Kel and I. *laughs*.  
  
Allyblue: Darling! They love us! Mwah mwah! Didn't Sean look lovely last night on the BAFTAS? And Sir Ian [Serena] McKellen is a poppet! Although still upset that you rang me just as they were introducing Sean, didn't hear what Stephen Fry was saying! At least we have it on video. So one BAFTAS vid, and pizza do you on Friday night? And lots of Blue Stuff? My preciouss-ss! Mwah mwah!   
  
****************************  
  
In fact the romantic picture of hobbit/human love was spoiled even further by the fact that Frodo wasn't even standing on a rock. In fact, he was standing on a tentacle... and its owner wasn't too happy (maybe it was jealous...)  
  
It took Rachel a few moments of air kissing to realise that actually her beloved was being whipped around, about twenty feet above her head, by his hairy hobbit ankles.  
  
"Don't worry Mr. Frodo sir, I'll save you...."   
  
Sam made a desperate leap forward waving his pathetic little sword.   
  
However Hell hath no fury like a Rachel deprived of her hobbit....  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY FRODO, YOU OVERSIZED PIECE OF SUSHI???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Aragorn, who had been sulking in the corner kicking rocks (Arwen wouldn't return his calls, and he couldn't even fight with Boromir because they weren't talking over the horse comment) jumped to his feet and drew Isildur's sword, pleased finally to have something heroic to do. And he even paused for a moment so that he could pose in the traditional "I'm like not supposed to be the hero, but everyone knows I am anyway" Aragorn trademarked stance.  
  
Merry was also delighted because he now had a chance to impress Kelly with his stone throwing skills... and Pippin being Pippin decided to join in.... (Kelly was telling Pippin about all the lovely [short] girls that she would set him up with, if he tutored her in being Scottish)  
  
Also technically it was Pippin's fault for waking the Watcher, and he felt it was time to make amends.   
  
Pretty Elf, having listened to Gemma compliment him on his, ahem, bow skills, was also eager to show off.  
  
Gandalf was taking the opportunity to sit down and have a quick puff on his weed.   
  
Boromir was more than content to let Pam keep playing with his long sword, but felt obliged (well he could fight better than Aragorn anyway) to get up and join in. So he pulled his long sword out of Pam's firm grip and waded into the water. (Also he could probably do with a bath if things kept progressing this well with Pam)  
  
Frodo was still being swung about by his hairy hobbit ankles, but to add to the confusion there were three highly sexed males of various species (Merry, Legolas and Boromir) all determined to show off to their new lady companions, a testosterone filled alpha male who was anxious to prove his worth (Aragorn), two small hobbits with swords and stones, a mad dwarf with an axe, and a stoned wizard in the water.   
  
Along with a rather ugly octopus like creature.   
  
And beating the hell out of the lot of them was a hobbit deprived Rachel.   
  
Gemma, Kelly, and Pam were busy comparing notes on land, and occasionally beaming in the direction of their new 'friends' and oohing and aahing at appropriate moments.  
  
"He wants you to go back to Gondor with him?"  
  
"Yeah.. I think he's homesick. And he wants me to meet his father." Pam made a grimace.  
  
"Ooooh. Not good." Kelly knew what Pam was getting at....(Hopefully so should anybody who's read ROTK)  
"Not really..."  
  
Gandalf was trying to do back stroke but kept getting distracted by his hands and murmuring about the 'pretty colours'. This meant though that he wasn't fiercely holding onto his staff.   
  
Rachel grabbed the staff.   
  
***************KAZAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM******************  
  
There was a blinding flash of light..... And a strange bubbling noise.  
Frodo fell twenty feet into the water with a splash. Everyone else stopped fighting, and glanced around themselves in confusion. Gandalf started giggling. Rachel was trying to get to Frodo.  
There were little pink bunny rabbits everywhere. Yes. Pink. With stripes. And some with polka dots. And some with both stripes and polka dots. And all were singing.  
  
(There were various songs being sung. Most were doing poppy chart stuff, but there were a few opera singing ones, and some doing various numbers from musicals... it was a cacophony of bunny singing.)  
  
And what do rabbits do? Even when they used to be evil slimey squid things?  
  
Yes, nearly all of them were shagging.   
  
Shagging like bunnies one might say.  
  
The girls, the blue stuff still holding some influence on them, got the serious giggles. Even Rachel when she wasn't kissing Frodo.  
  
(A/N to her co-authors: Frodo appears to have realised that Rachel isn't evil, and more fun to hang out with than Sam.... this was all rather sudden, with very little build up... hmmmmm... Rachel....)  
It took a while to clear up the bunnies. Because they were magical bunnies and more kept appearing. Damn their fluffy horniness. And the girls and the tramp wizard stoner bloke kept giggling.  
Finally though they got into the Mines of Moira ("Moria!!!!!!!!!" Gandalf kept shouting... he was coming off his trip and remembering how irritating the girls were)  
They got lost. Of course. For two days....  
  
Of course this meant that everyone got to know each other pretty well, Pam and Boromir kept sloping off, (Boromir had offered to show Pam the Horn of Gondor....she needed no encouragement.... *snigger*) as did Gemma and Pretty Elf, who didn't even mind his hair getting mussed up. Kelly and Rachel were feeling frustrated due to the logistics of hobbit/human relations. They just simply don't work. But there was lots of hobbit/human kissing going on.   
  
Sam and Pippin felt left out and were sulking and eating lots. Gimli and Aragorn had been taught how to play poker by Kelly, and were now gambling away merrily.   
  
(Gimli was winning and extracting lots of promises for when Aragorn was King- there would be a law that all dwarf women should shave, and dwarf tossing would be banned as a national sport. A/N: No really! In Jamaica dwarf tossing is a sport!)  
  
Gandalf was sitting in a corner muttering to himself.   
  
On one of the rare occasions that the Fellowship (plus four) were together, Pam decided to teach them how to play rugby.  
  
"Backwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"BAckwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"BACKWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many fucking times do I have to tell you, you can only pass the ball BACKWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Kelly... put Merry down... I don't care if he is on your team, no groping your team members during the scrum....."  
"I don't bloody care if you're half the size, bloody deal with it!"  
"Elf-Boy - no bows...."  
"Boromir... you're only supposed to grab my waist...."  
"Merry... I don't give a fuck if that's as high as you can reach, Kelly's arse is not a legal tackling point according to League rules..."  
"Same to you Frodo and Rachel...."  
"No GIMLI...............NO FUCKING AXES....... PUT THE FUCKING AXES DOWN DWARF BOY..............."  
  
Pam gave up. Kelly and Rachel were groping hobbits, Legolas was admiring himself as an athletic type, and Gemma was encouraging him. Aragorn and Sam were at least trying, but Boromir kept tackling her (even when Pam wasn't holding the ball) despite being on her team.   
  
She picked up the lump of rock they had been using as a ball and drop kicked it high into the mines.  
  
They waited for it to crash back to (middle) earth.   
  
Gemma looked up, and screamed.... "RUN FOR COVER".......  
  
Something bigger than the rock was falling in the direction of the Fellowship.... dramatic music.....  
  
Everyone ducked under the nearest shelter.. except Gimli...  
  
"A dwarf shall not hide in his own mine.... My kin built these very mines..." he spread his arms wide.....  
  
"ooooooofffffffff"  
  
Gimli caught the falling object....  
  
"Hannah?"  
  
Three surprised female voices piped up from underneath the rock. (Rachel was kissing Frodo again)  
  
Hannah looked around dazed, from her position lying in the arms of a dwarf.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Hannah?"  
  
Three slightly different female voices piped up.  
(Kelly was kissing Merry)  
  
Hannah gazed at the dwarf, her eyes not focusing....  
  
"My hero...." she gasped, "You saved me..."  
  
She kissed Gimli......  
  
"HANNAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Three different female voices piped up  
(Pam/Boromir, you get the idea....)  
  
Hannah pulled away from the dwarf.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"  
  
She was struggling so hard, Gimli dropped her.  
  
"ikissedadwarfikissedadwarfikissedadwarfikissedadwarf"  
  
Hannah was shaking on the ground....  
  
Aragorn stared at her... and began to smile.  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, more bloody females...  
  
Gemma and Legolas...yeah yeah.  
  
Kelly, Pam and Rachel grabbed Hannah.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Where am I?"  
  
Hannah looked around once more.....  
  
"Moira?" she gasped.  
  
("Moria.... its fucking Moria..." Gandalf hissed)  
  
"Did you fall down a hole too?" Kelly asked.  
  
"As a matter of fact I did!" Hannah smiled. "I was looking for you guys, and I fell in a hole, and I was falling for a very long time and then ikissedadwarfikissedadwarfikissedadwarfikissedadwarf"  
  
Hannah curled up into the foetal position again and rocked back and forth.  
  
When she recovered she looked up at the girls...  
  
"So what do we do now?"  
  
********************  
  
Will Gandalf go loco over the vast amount of women that have fallen into Middle Earth?  
  
Will Hannah get over the trauma of kissing Gimli?  
  
Will the fangirls come back?  
  
All will be revealed soon. Maybe. Hopefully.   
  
R&R dammit! 


	8. Kelly

Well...  
  
       After a couple of days of Pam's rugby tutoring, (which did tend toward the aggresive it has to be said) Gandalf had delt with his drug issues and decided once again to resume control of the group, which during his 'absence' had started to resemble the cast of 'Carry On Camping.'  
  
  "We must  make progress. We have already lost much time. We must make for the bridge of Khazad-Dum ."  
  
There was the faintest hint of music in the background. Every one looked at Gandalf, he shuffled his feet and switched hands with his staff, aware of the girl's sniggers and winks.  
  
"He is right." Aragorn decided to assume his natural authority, despite the weight of dodgy back-catalogue, straight to video releases that weighed upon him.  
  
The girls exchanged glances, Hannah was still an interesting shade of green and Pamela was tossing her hair at Boromir.   
  
"Right," said Gemma "lets go then. But keep that dwarf away from Han, she isn't feeling well."  
  
  Dwarves are the tunnel kings. They make the guys from The Great Escape look like amateurs.  
The Fellowship, (plus female companions) were walking through high vaulted ceilings and along tunnels that extended for miles.The only illumination was provided by the light of Gandalf's staff, which looked suspiciously like light bulb...  
  
  Gimli was looking around him with unrestrained pride . " These mines are thousands of years old and were constucted out of the very living rock."  
  
Rachel glared at him, she was doing history at university and she wasn't in the mood for a lecture.  
  
The party made its straggling and somewhat inept way along the tunnels. The going  was tough and it was not made easier by the fact that the party had to constantly  pause while Gandalf decided on a direction (the lightbulb didn't help. It wasn't only 40 watts)  
  
Eventually   the eternal gloom was broken by the tiniest glint of a light. A sliver of silver light that shined through the deafening dark.  
  
  
  will follow. Hannah made me stop!!! love you. K xxx  
  
       
  Before anyone could stop him, (and quite frankly who would try?) Gimli shouldered his way through from the back of the group grasping his axe in a rather alarming manner.  
  "There is something here. My people!"  
  
As Gimli raced toward the chink of light, Pam accurately observed, "Bugger me, he can shift it for a little one..!"  
  


Boromir and Aragorn nodded agreement to this wise and sage statement.  
  
Gandalf made an effort to try and stop the speeding dwarf, but he got caught up in the   
wire that was trailing from his under his robe and a small black box clattered dramatically to the floor. 

There was a stunned silence.  
  
Followed by a stunned noise. "You bloody fake!" screamed Rachel. "Thats a battery pack!" 

Gemma started to laugh, a strange sound that grew and filled the tunnels and bounced off the walls.  
  


"Quick, in here." Aragorn, grabbed Gemma's hand, she laughed even more.  
  


The group followed Gimli in to the light, only Gandalf, picking up his battery and plugging it back in, heard the slight faraway noise in the tunnels behind them, like running feet....  
  
  Gimli was kneeling in front of the stone tomb that lay directly in the path of the bright sunlight that streamed in through a small window in the rock, a stunning architectural feat in the deep mountains... which was lost on every one in the room.  
  
  Hannah hit the floor with terrific force and sat up rubbing her head and emmiting a torrent of swear-words which made the men the cast her admiring glances, Aragorn appeared to be deeply impressed.  
  


"bloody dwarf! What the sodding hell are you doing kneeling on the floor? Bloody muppet!"  
  


  Aragorn helped her up. Gimli paid no attention to the angry girl and carried on keening in front of the tomb, "Balin is dead! I had hoped... but he is slain" He looked at Frodo who acknowledged the weight of this statement.  
  
  "Oh. My. God!" Kelly said slowly and deliberately from the other side of the room. Gimli finally looked up to see the entire group, excepting himself, Gandalf, Frodo and Sam huddled in a corner staring around the room in horror.  
  
The room was littered with corpses in various states of decay. The problem was many of the corpses looked like they hadn't been particularly attractive before their untimely ends. "What were they?" asked Rachel  
  
Gandalf sighed, "They are Orc's. They have been on our trail for a little while, they will be here soon."  
  
The girls were outraged. " You could have told us sooner!" Gemma yelled. Legolas laid a calming hand on her arm. "You will be safe. I will see that no harm will come to you."  
  Gemma smiled and sidled over to him.  
  


"Well I'm not going to stand here," said Rachel decisively. "I'm going to fight."  
  
  Gandalf actually smiled at her, "I knew you would come in useful."  
  
There was a noise outside the room, this time everyone heard it, and it was definitely running feet, lots of them... And there was something else.  
  
The taller members of the party ran to the door in an attempt to close it. Aragorn looked round, "Boromir, you have a line here...!"  
  


Boromir looked up guiltly, dropped Pam's hand and rushed over to the door. "What is it...?" He looked out the door, "Oh yeah, I remember, they've got a cave troll. O shit a cave troll!"  
  
  
  Will have to stop there, am too tired! But have something else to add before we get to Khazad-Dum. Is only

ok, so i will finish this bit... and dont bloody add anything!!!  
  
The running feet advanced on the small corpse-filled room, the Fellowship now found themselves trapped in. The feet were fairly frightening by themselves, but were upgraded to terrifying when accompanied by various hisses and high-pitched giggles and slow deliberate, heavy footsteps.  
  
The walls were beginning to shake.  
  
"Is this fucking Jurrasic Park or what?" Hannah was starting to exhibit signs of nervousness.  
  
"Right," Aragorn turned to the group in best 'manly-holding-sword' pose that he hoped to see on the poster. "Is everyone armed?"  
  
Kelly, Gemma and Hannah eagerly accepted the offered swords. Pam and Rachel looked at Aragorn in utter disgust.  
  
"We don't need swords." Pam said calmly.  
  
Aragorn looked sceptical, ok truth be told, Aragorn started to laugh.  
  
Rachel folded her arms. She had a look.  
  
Aragorn stopped laughing and suddenly decided he had something very urgent to say to Legolas.  
  
The music started again, but with a more ominous tone. The noise outside the room had reached fever pitch. It was show time.  
  
  
The door, which was not as tough as it looked unfortunately, was broken down in seconds with the swing of a giant grey fist. Shards of wood shattered across the room causing the girls to duck and Boromir to scream in a fairly unheroic way.  
  
The shards of wood were followed by orcs. Lots of them.  
  
The girls performed heroically. Rachel in particular seemed to be working out a very specific grudge.  
  
The Fellowship were battling well, but were undeniably the losing team, until the Orcs began to retreat.... To make way for the cave troll.  
  
The cave troll looked exactly like its name, that is a troll made out of a cave.  
  
"Oh bugger!" muttered Pam  
  
"Yep." agreed Kelly  
  
Legolas bravely mounted an attack against the troll, Boromir assisted only to be thrown against the wall. Pam tried to help, only to meet with the same punishment, luckily she had a softer landing as Boromir hadn't had chance to get up yet.  
  
Merry and Pippin were ready to attack in a pincer movement when Kelly grabbed Merry's arm.  
"Wait! Don't you think he looks really sad?"  
  
"Erm, can't say that was the first thing I noticed about him."  
  
"You're right actually." Joined in Hannah, "That big collar thing looks like it's rubbing as well."  
  
"Hey! Hey! Troll! Big Guy! Down Here!" Kelly began dancing up and down in front of the troll who eventually saw her and stopped shaking Gimli.  
  
"Urgh."   
  
"He said hello." piped up a voice.  
  
Everyone turned to look at Gemma, who shrugged. "What? Everyone sounds like that when I'm drunk."  
  
"Well translate then." said Kelly. Everyone else was still staring at Gemma.  
  
"Are you ok?" Yelled Kelly. "Do you need some help?"  
  
"Urgh. Erm Urgh."  
  
Everyone, including the troll, who was still holding Gimli upside down in his huge hand looked at Gemma expectantly.  
  
"He said that the orcs bully him. Oh and his name is Gladys. He's a girl."  
  
"Fucking hell!" Hannah, the practising Catholic in the group, made her feelings known.  
  
"I would have to agree with that." said Aragorn and was rewarded with a lovely smile from Hannah.  
  
'Gladys', the troll dropped Gimli, and the dwarf suddenly discovered the need for a helmet.  
  
"Well, I think you're a very pretty troll. You know as troll's go." Offered Pam helpfully.  
  
The troll bended it's enormous face in to something resembling a smile.  
  
Apparently the troll was happy to hear this.  
  
"Yeah." joined in Hannah, "You know you should get out more, you would look fantastic with a tan."  
  
"You could get yourself a troll boyfriend-thingy." Finished Rachel.  
  
Gladys was now positively beaming.  
  
"You don't know the way out of these caves do you?"   
  
"Urgh. Urgh."  
  
Gemma smiled. "Yep. He, I mean she said to follow her."  
  
Gandalf who had been watching this exchange with mounting disbelief, now felt the need to step in, "Are you trying to tell me that this cave troll was only trying to kill us because she was misunderstood?"  
  
Pam gave him an understanding smile, "You've never watched 'Trisha' have you?"  
  
The group left Balin's tomb, now filled with considerably more orc bodies than when they had entered it.  
  
Jogging behind the cave troll, or in the Hobbit's case running, the group made their way to Khazad-Dhum.......  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Not a very good chapter by Pam

A/N: hello lovely, lovely people! Pam is back, and this is the first chapter that has not been pre-written! From now on this is all original material. Am excited! On Friday night Kelly and I discovered a new magic potion called the Orange Stuff (original ain't we?). This is a delightfully refreshing beverage involving lemon vodka, and any brand of orange fizzy (soda) drink you prefer. Slips down very nicely! By the time Rachel returned home from work, she had two very giggly friends watching Fellowship, and playing our made up drinking game!   
  
This game has lots of complicated rules, which get too complicated as the film continues and you're rat-arsed. Sometimes its just easier to give up all these rules and just follow the one - drink every time you want to shag one of the characters senseless. Doing this, Rachel had soon caught up with us!   
  
However it meant that after three hours of restless sleep (and nightmares about Balrogs for Pam - don't ask!) it meant two hungover and tired girls had to get up and catch train to London! We saw Sean Bean! With his top off! (Can you say 'gym membership?' As Kell said, he obviously had seen he spent a lot of the second half topless, and headed straight for the weight machines. And God was it worth it! The man is buff! And beautiful...and very very sexy. *drool*) And in various other sexy outfits. And a rather attractive actor called Barnaby Kay played Banquo. It was of course our Macbeth trip. It rained, Sean snuck in the front entrance while we waited in the rain feeling like stalkers at the Stage Door, and then he didn't come out afterwards (something about getting a back rub, well he only had to ask!)... in even heavier rain! Although we did meet Simon Callow who was at the performance and got his autograph. And the guy who played Banquo was lovely! (And as Kelly put it...'God that man can fill a pair of cords'.. he had a lovely arse!). Of course both of us have an interest in the theatre, and have studied it, so feel obliged to mention that it was a bloody good performance, it was just that Sean has such a commanding presence on stage you can't take your eyes from him. And he and Samantha Bond had genuine chemistry. Sigh........ *Pam goes into daydream....again.*  
  
**********************   
To all our lovely reviewers:  
  
Taurus Dragon.... Oh you poor thing! Get well soon, and thank you for the lovely review. Kelly also gets upset about the cave troll (I'm too busy complaining that it threw Boromir into the wall to notice!) and the idea that it is female is just cool. We love Gladys!   
  
Icarii Sunset: Glad you're enjoying it honey! But I'm sorry to tell you that you can't have Legolas this time, but we promise to return him in (reasonably) good condition to all those that stake a claim on him! (So he'll be returned in teeny weeny little pieces then)  
  
Incurelf: Hi again! You're still reviewing! We're beginning to think that we should adopt you! And don't worry about asking too many questions, how else are you supposed to find out the answers to life, love and the universe (although we don't claim to have any knowledge on those things!) I'm alleymap because its Pamela backwards with two extra letters. That is actually very boring. Have never realised that before. Sorry I don't have a more exciting answer for you!   
  
Razzle Dazzle: Out of a trash can?! I'm surprised you lived through your college years! Thank you for the review!   
  
Dave Rocks: Hello again to you as well! It's really nice that people are sticking with this (although they might change their mind after this chapter...have severe writers block and a lack of a sense of humour at the mo'). We'll try to include more Gemma/Leggy action, but we keep getting distracted by Men from Gondor and hobbits. Easily done! (mmmm... Boromir....)  
  
Kurt Cobain2000: Steve!!!!! Hello babe! Thank you for reviewing! If I see Roger I'll send him back... but he might be happier in Middle Earth, couldn't understand a thing he said in Biology. (Might just be me though). He'll probably be working for Sauraman, trying to explain why he can't cross breed goblins and orcs because they have different carbohydrate molecules, amino acid protein strands, and because he bloody said so! So he's probably being held in an underground cell in Isengard. Oh well... no loss there! Go the Glovers! (C'mon boys get out of the Nationwide and into a bloody division).. Oh and Arsenal for the Treble! (or double!) xxx  
********************************  
  
Right. The Fellowship, plus their five delightful female companions, who do not have drinking problems or a growing obsession with LOTR are lost in the depths of Moira. (Gandalf has now given up correcting, and is contemplating using his staff on the girls if they don't fucking shut up). Having sorted out the complexes of Gladys the attractive (for a cave troll) cave troll, they are being led by her to the Bridge of Khazad Dum. Hormones and pheromones are flying, there is inter species relationships starting up, and non inter species relationships are thriving. There is also a sense of impending doom shadowing over these events, to which Legolas the Pretty Elf is particularly sensitive.  
  
And so we resume our adventure....  
  
As the Fellowship followed Gladys, sharing various beauty tips along the way, an ominous beat could be heard in the background.   
  
Legolas for once not looking quite as pretty as he usually does, had turned a funny shade of green.  
  
Despite repeated promptings from Gemma (and offers to do rather kinky things) he would only mutter "Evil - a great evil is coming"  
  
(A/N: The next paragraph marked * had been written by Kelly - we were bored on the train.)  
  
*Aragorn paused from stroking Hannah's hair.   
  
"What do your elven eyes see, my friend?'  
  
Legolas shook his head, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish.  
  
Gandalf's magic light ('Bulb' - Rachel) was suddenly drowned by a golden red glow that filled the cavern and illuminated the path before them.  
  
Gandalf paused and raised his staff dramatically (Freudian, ain't it?). "Behold, the Bridge of Khazad Dum, and our way through these mines."  
  
The rest of the group bundled into him, as none of them were playing the slightest bit of attention. Legolas in particular was looking very distracted.   
  
When everyone else had picked themselves up, and Gandalf had brushed his robes off, they did indeed 'behold' the Bridge.  
  
Gemma broke the silence.   
  
"That is not a bridge. That is a bloody sheer cliff face, you crazy old man."  
  
The girls glared at the wizard, except for Pam, who was saying goodbye to Gladys.   
  
"We'll keep in touch, and remember - exfoliate!"*  
  
Pam finally turned around and saw the Bridge. Pam has a severe phobia of bridges. Don't ask.   
  
She went greener than Legolas.   
  
"No fucking way." She crossed her arms determinedly.   
  
"The lot of you can fuck off if you think I'm walking across that fucking stone tightrope."   
  
Gandalf glowered at her. "It is the only goddamn way out of these mines."  
  
"Fine."  
  
She turned and walked off in the direction they had come.   
  
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?" Gandalf howled after her.   
  
"We got in that way, I'm going out that way."  
  
She tossed her hair a final time at Boromir, blew him a kiss, and walked back.   
  
"It took us four days to get this far?! And you're just going to walk away?!"  
  
Pam turned, and stared at the wizard coolly. She gave him the finger.   
  
Hannah and Rachel cheered.   
  
Pam walked off through the arch, and paused again.  
  
She was very white (even more so than usual). Her eyes went wide and her mouth fell open (not a good look). Stunned, she stood like that for ten seconds.   
  
Stuck between a bridge and what was approaching, she seemed torn for a few moments over what was worse. Legolas suddenly got even more worried.  
  
Pam suddenly sprinted back very quickly, moving faster than her friends had ever seen her move before, running towards the bridge. As she headed into the distance, her faint cry could just be heard...  
  
"rrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..."  
  
For once Gandalf agreed as he heard the drum beat louder than ever. He turned and ran after Pam.  
  
"FLEE!" he cried back over his shoulder. Each wizard for himself and all that...  
  
The girls were surprised...he could move fast for an OAP.   
  
The Fellowship began to run, even Rachel, but only because Frodo had torn after Gandalf.   
  
"What exactly are we running away from?" Kelly panted. She had Merry under one arm and Pippin under the other. She wasn't risking losing her hobbits.  
  
Gandalf heard her, in the distance, "Orc....goblins...and..."  
  
He was interrupted by the Pretty Elf's terrified scream....("Ai, Ai!")  
  
The elf was petrified and shaking in his pretty knee high boots (obviously in vogue in Middle Earth that season as practically all the men were wearing them). He was so frightened, he didn't even care that he was messing up his hair.   
  
"FANGIRLS".  
  
And so the girls and the Fellowship faced their most fearsome enemy yet. The teenaged girls that are obsessed with LOTR - most with the elf.   
  
Legolas hid.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship were hiding behind the girls... trying to be inconspicuous (and failing miserably).  
  
Ok, so the next bit was a mass confusion of Pam and Rachel doing impressions of Xena Warrior Princess, Gemma was threatening to gouge out the eyes of any fangirls that came too close to Legolas, and Kelly was fiercely protecting her hobbits. Hannah was in the thick of things, just being very cool and destroying anything that came too close. Aragorn was very proud of her.  
  
"They won't die!" Rachel for the first time in her life was worried she was losing a fight. "How do you get rid of them?"  
  
"Don't know!" Pam cried from where she was being jumped on by a girl wearing fairy wings and lots of glitter.   
  
'Leave my Legolas alone!" shouted the glitter/fairy wing wearing fangirl in between jumps.   
  
'What the bloody hell are you talking about you stupid bint?! I don't even like Legolas!" Pam pushed the girl over.  
  
The fangirl's face took on a vacant expression. "But.... But everyone likes Legolas!"  
  
"Not me!" Pam looked seriously pissed off. Fangirl was now serious confused.   
  
"Me neither..." chipped in Kelly.   
  
All the fangirls stopped fighting. This was an alien concept to them.... Not fancying the little pointy ears off Legolas. [Although he is exceptionally pretty].  
  
"Oh.... You like Frodo!" the g/fww fangirl who had apparently nominated herself leader gave a grin as her poor little brain finally reached this conclusion.   
  
"Look, just because the film has been edited to be incredibly Frodo-centric doesn't mean we have to fancy him! The film can be viewed as an example of some of the finest actors in the world coming together to create a visual representation of what is actually a highly complex world built on the model of central European myths. It is an insult to Tolkien and Peter Jackson to simply watch it just because you have a crush on one of the characters..." Kelly began to try to explain to the bewildered fangirls...  
  
["Film?" Aragorn asked confused. "What's a film?"  
  
"Tolkien?" Gimli was puzzled.  
  
"Central European?" Boromir looked delightfully bewildered.  
  
"And who the Hell is Peter Jackson?" Legolas asked from behind Gemma...quietly though, so the fangirls wouldn't notice him.]  
  
Kelly continued...sending evil looks in the direction of the Fellowship...she was actually making a very intelligent point. In fact it was so intelligent she tossed her hair before continuing.   
  
"Tolkien has created a series of intricate male relationships without ever transcending the borders of homosexuality - designed this amazing place, invented several of his own languages, and gave the world this book that has delighted and intrigued people for years! And all you can bloody do is argue over whether Sam is gay ('Hey!" Sam piped up from his nearly forgotten role in this fanfic) and who is hotter, Orlando Bloom or Elijah Wood! And then become Mary Sues and thinking that you're doing something incredibly important...."  
  
"Um... Kell?" Pam interrupted tentatively.  
  
"I'm talking!.... As I was saying, you become Mary Sues..."  
  
"Kelly... sorry babe.. its just that..."  
  
"Pam! Will you bloody let me finish!"  
  
Kelly glared at Pam.... Who squirmed, and then lent over and whispered something into Kelly's ear.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WE'RE MARY SUES?"  
  
Kelly looked very disturbed.   
  
"Well.. technically, since we're in Middle Earth when we should actually be living normal student lifestyles, and we're... well.. y'know... doing... like, stuff, with members of the Fellowship.. we are technically Mary Sues."  
  
Pam was blushing to the tips of her ears.   
  
Kelly slumped. "Oh yeah. Well, you could have told me earlier."  
  
"I thought you knew." Pam leant over and whispered again.  
  
"Ok. So we do sit around and argue over who is sexy in the Fellowship. But at least we don't all fancy Legolas or Frodo."  
  
"Huh?!'  
  
Fangirl Leader who had only understood about 20% of Kelly's lecture looked even more blank at this statement.  
  
"Hey! I fancy Legolas!" Gemma looked miffed. She cheered up when Legolas flicked his hair at her.  
  
"And Frodo's mine! Back off Fangirls!" Rachel hissed in a way that was disturbingly reminiscent of Gollum. ( my precioussssss)  
  
"So who else is there? Aragorn I suppose." The fangirl shrugged. "But he's like really old."  
  
Hannah glared at her.   
  
"Merry! Like very cute!" Kelly couldn't quite believe her ears. Have you not watched the commentary? He's lovely!"  
  
"Boromir." Pam whispered, blushing again.   
  
"What????????????!!!!!!"  
  
Fangirl looked horrified that someone might actually fancy Boromir. "But he's like old as well. And kind of greasy!"  
  
"Rugged...." Pam looked dreamily at Boromir and was rewarded by that gorgeous grin that just wasn't used to its full advantage in the film. Her face fell as she remembered something. "Even if Sean Bean didn't bloody sign autographs..."   
  
Pam fell to the floor and bawled her eyes out! Kelly gave her a hug.  
  
"It's all right pet, there'll be other opportunities to see him..."  
  
"No there won't!"  
  
However this scene of distress was ignored by the fangirls as they spotted Leggy.   
  
Vicious battle continued. Until Legolas got bored and put an arrow through several of the fangirls.   
  
They all looked kinda shocked at the arrows sticking out of their anatomies. They began to wail.... And several of the started quoting from 'Romeo and Juliet'.  
  
The leader was one of the ones that were impaled. She joined in with the terrible overacting of various death scenes.  
  
Legolas flicked his hair at his superb aim.  
  
"Fucking Hell!" Hannah swore. "You've killed them!"  
  
Gandalf, having not said anything for a while decided it was time to set the record straight.   
  
"Actually no. They won't die... they'll just be sent back to wherever they came from."  
  
"Right..." Hannah suddenly became thoughtful. "Do they feel pain?"  
  
"Um. No. Cross dimension stuff. They don't belong here so they don't experience the same laws of ... yeah... stuff... " Gandalf muttered some made up word under his breath and raised his staff again, he felt safe behind his staff. "so no, they don't feel pain. They'll just be transported back to their own world"  
  
All the encouragement the girls needed. Ignoring the fangirls who were quoting long dramatic speeches and vowing to love Legolas forever before mysteriously vanishing, the girls laid into them.  
  
Hannah was poking them with a sharp stick and laughing as they popped like bubbles (although they did leave a horrible nasty sticky residue behind!). Rachel was chucking them over the edge of the cliff, and Pam, who had been rummaging frantically in her pockets suddenly produced a lighter.   
  
(A/N: Please do not try to set fire to fangirls or poke them with a sharp stick. Although an awful lot of them deserve it for their complete lack of braincells/originality/the ability to function in normal society* [*delete as applicable] you will be prosecuted. And how are you going to read this if you are in jail? Also these fangirls have been specially trained for this fanfic and very few were actually harmed in the making of it. Honest. *evil laugh*)   
  
So what with popping fangirls, and the odd one that was running about having gone up in flames (that glitter spray is highly flammable y'know) no one noticed the big evil creature that was approaching. Until it was nearly too late.   
  
Luckily Gandalf did, and the girls found themselves running again.   
  
"Ow! Stitch!" Gemma cried.  
  
"Like, least of your problems right now!" Hannah called from the rear of the running masses.  
  
Boromir was in the lead, with Pam right behind. Running through an archway he found himself staring at an abyss....  
  
And of course Pam ran smack into him. (Too focused on his arse.)  
  
The pair teetered on the edge...  
  
"Shit! This is it! This is bloody it! I'm going to die! I'm too young to die!"  
  
Pam had her arms wrapped around Boromir, who was convinced that if Pam wasn't there, he'd have a chance of surviving this.   
  
"Drama queen" muttered Kelly.  
  
"Always has to milk it," Hannah agreed.  
  
"Can't do anything by halves, always has to be a disaster with Pam." Gemma chipped in.   
  
"A little help, people!" Pam did sound a bit panicky.   
  
"Ok.. we'll help her...this time." Kelly decided, the others nodded.  
  
So with the help of Legolas and Aragorn (and Gimli... ooh had forgotten about him.) they pulled the pair back from the edge. Did they get any thanks? Of course not. They were being chased by a Balrog!  
  
And of course things went from bad to worse. If you're being chased by a big evil creature that could benefit from a serious rehydration treatment, you'd want a path that doesn't fall to pieces when you walk on it... of course that didn't bloody happen. This is the FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING you know!  
  
"Shut up! This isn't the bloody time or place!" Kelly yelled as loud dum dum de dum music started up. And then shut up again.   
  
So trapped on various pieces of falling stairs the girls and guys panicked. Except for the Pretty Elf who showed off again, and Pam, whom to everyone's surprise did a series of rather neat jumps across until she got to a safe bit.  
  
"Er... just when exactly did you learn to do that?" Gemma called from across the abyss. She wasn't happy as Legolas had left her behind.   
  
Pam shrugged. "Long and high jump team at school."  
  
"Bloody show off." Kelly muttered, and then tucking Merry under her arm did a running jump and made it. Rachel followed with Frodo, Hannah took Sam, Boromir, Pippin, leaving Aragorn and Gimli stuck.   
  
"Nobody tosses a dwarf!" Gimli declared.  
  
"Except maybe female dwarves" Hannah muttered.   
  
Pam and Kelly sniggered.   
  
Gimli blushed and then jumped, only to suffer the indignity of being pulled by an elf.   
  
You know what happens next, so they all made it across the bridge, and Gandalf is left to face the Balrog.   
  
Except they were interrupted by the Fangirls again. They were being chased by the Balrog, and suddenly found themselves with no where to run to. So the Fellowship were treated to the sight of thousands of fangirls jumping into the abyss like lemmings.  
  
Legolas sighed in relief.   
  
"They'll be back... there's too many of them!" Gimli laughed smugly.   
  
Pretty Elf glared at him and tossed his hair again.   
  
Gandalf walked determinedly to the centre of the bridge.   
  
Boromir and Aragorn, still squabbling over who looked better with a sword, suddenly joined Gandalf in the centre of the bridge.  
  
"I'll help you Gandalf... I am Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, I command all that live in these lands..."  
  
"Go and play with Arwen, ranger boy! I'm going to help Gandalf. You get to do all the heroic stuff."  
  
"You go and play with an orc!"  
  
"You!"  
  
"You!"   
  
Gandalf sighed at the squabbling boys. 'JUST BUGGER OFF! Go on. Both of you!"  
  
The two warriors scowled.   
  
Pam and Hannah exchanged a glance, and then strode back onto the bridge.  
  
"I think Gandalf can handle this, Aragorn." Hannah tugged at Aragorn's arm.  
  
"Boromir... come back over here... where its safe."  
  
The Balrog approached with a roar and a bellow of flame.  
  
"Hey... my beard!" Gandalf muttered as the smell of burning hair filled the cavern.  
  
"I am not afraid!" Aragorn declared. Boromir agreed. For once.  
  
"Boromir... look at it. It big creature of flame and shadow, you tiny little mortal man of flesh and hair." She tugged at his tunic again trying to drag him back. He looked at the Balrog again and decided she might be making sense. So do Aragorn. They ran.  
  
So Gandalf fought the Balrog while the horrified group watched.  
  
The bridge collapsed.   
  
("Bloody bridges... told you they weren't safe" Pam muttered.)  
  
Gandalf was clinging to the edge by his fingertips, the Balrog's flaming whip thing wrapped round his hairy wizard ankles.   
  
Rachel paused from where she was trying to stretch Frodo. "Right girlies, rescue party time."  
  
Rachel led the girls to the edge of the bridge, where Gandalf was hanging looking more worried than ever. "Gemma grab my ankles. Pam, you hold Gemma, Hannah, hold Pam, Kelly, pull!"  
  
Rachel dangled over the edge where she busily undid the whip. The girls tugged her back up, so she could grab onto Gandalf.  
  
"Come on then Gandalf, grab onto me and we'll have you up in no time."  
  
Rachel actually smiled at Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf took one look at Rachel, and considered his situation. On one hand, salvation and continuing with the Fellowship, and the girls, or....  
  
Falling to an unknown doom fighting the most evil foe possible. With little or no chance of survival. And pain.. don't forget pain.   
  
Balrog or girls?  
  
There was no choice. None at all. With a relieved little sigh Gandalf let go of the Bridge. And began to fall.  
  
"Well that was bloody rude!" Gemma crossed her arms (after of course everyone was safe).  
  
Rachel was looking very pleased with herself.   
  
She had the whip!   
  
***************************  
  
A/N: Aargh! Actually exceptionally long. Sorry this isn't as good as some earlier stuff.. in fact its pretty terrible, but if I stick it up, it means Kelly can get on with her chapter, and I can wait for my muse to return to me. Hopefully soon! Please.. if anyone has any suggestions or even just wants to make a cameo (I'm that stuck for ideas!) please stick it in a review or email me at alleymap@hotmail.com.  
  
Sorry again.. must do better next time! I will, I promise! Oh and sorry for crossing the borders of existentialism slightly too much.  
  
R&R  
  
Pam. 


	10. Kelly's back

The fellowship (and additions) made their way out of the caves and in to the clean fresh air. (Balrog's, like dragon's, have a sulpher problem. Think about it.)  
  
Collapsing outside on the rocky plateau, the group gave vent to their grief. Pam and Kelly sat sobbing and holding each other, Gemma sat with her arms wrapped round her knees, rocking slightly. Gimli clutched his axe and bowed his head to hide the single tear rolling down his cheek, Boromir shook his head in bewilderment and shock and the hobbits sat in a small frightened group on the floor. Legolas stared enigmatically in to the middle distance.  
  
Rachel and Aragorn were stood slightly away from the group.  
  
"Right. We off then?"  
  
Everyone looked at Rachel in horror and amazement. except for Aragorn, who glared at her angrily, he had a much better line prepared.  
  
"Let them grieve, for pity's sake!" Yelled Boromir and went to stroke Pam's hair.  
  
"By nightfall these mountains will be swarming with orcs." said Aragorn, determined to get at least some of his dramatic lines in.  
  
The party made its straggling descent down the mountain, still with the occaisional sniffle and sob, but Gimli finally stopped crying after Gemma called him a big girl.  
  
After a couple of hours walking the inevitable happened, there was a horrible rumbling noise. Aragorn looked round sharply.  
  
Rachel shrugged unapologetically, "I can't help it I'm hungry! Where are we going any way?"  
  
Legolas stopped and pointed at the woods ahead of him, "We are going to Lothlorien, the home of the wood-elves." Gemma beamed up at him, "We're going to visit the elves? Cool!"  
  


Boromir had stopped holding Pam's hand and tapped Rachel on the shoulder,   
"It is ok to show grief."   
  


Frodo tapped her on the...  
leg and smiled up at her encouragingly. "You might feel better if you cry, look at Gimli he's been crying for hours and he feels loads better. Don't you Gimli?"  
  
the dwarf offered a watery smile, "Oh yes lots better, I mean... I... I'm sorry."  
  


"That's ok, Gimli, " Frodo called to the sobbing dwarf, "You cry as much as you want."  
  


Rachel shook her head, "I'm fine. I don't need to cry I just want food."  
  
Aragorn gave her a patronising smile, and ruffled her hair. Big mistake. Huge.  
  
"I Do Not Need To Cry. AND DONT TOUCH MY HAIR!!!"  
  
Rachel was advancing menacingly on Aragorn, who was wisely trying to hide behind Legolas, but was prevented from killing him by Hannah suddenly stopping dead in front of them,  
  
"Erm Legolas, these wood-elves, friendly are they?"  
  
"Yes of course. They are my people." said Legolas proudly, and turned to find himself nose to tip with an elf arrow, loaded in to an elf bow wielded by a less than friendly looking elf.  
  
"Oh... well... erm..."  
  
A tall, blonde elf stepped out from behind a tree and glared at the group. Then focused on Legolas.  
  
"Hello Leggy, still chatting up the girls then?"  
Legolas smiled icily. "At least I manage to pull the girls."   
  


"You wouldn't if they knew that when you were younger you used to..."  
  


Fortunately for Legolas (but unfortunately for the girls who were desperate to know his embarrassing secret) the elf was interrupted by Aragorn.  
  


Or more accurately was rugby tackled mid-sentence by Aragorn shouting,  
  


"Haldir! My old friend! How are you?"  
  


The man and the elf then proceeded to engage in some manly male bonding type hugging.  
  


The girls raised their collective eyebrows.  
  
"Erm, not wanting to interrupt or anything, but are we going to get food at some point?"  
Interrupted Rachel tactfully.  
  


Haldir turned and surveyed Rachel coolly, then turned his attention on the other female members of the party.  
  


"And you might be...?"  
  


Pam, Kelly, Gemma and Hannah adopted winning smiles, while the male members of the fellowship, except Gimli (although he did have something of a soft spot for Hannah) suddenly became inexplicably interested in the ground.  
  


"We're helping." said Pam and Boromir nodded enthusiastically behind her.   
  


Haldir stood in silent contemplation for a moment, (well if Legolas can spend half his time doing it...)  
  


"Alright. You may come with us. Follow me."  
  
  


It was nightfall when the elegant elves led the straggling procession of humans, Hobbits and dwarf up to Lothlorien. An amazing sight greeted the weary travellers, Lothlorien was a tree kingdom, lit by a thousand tiny twinkling lights, each shining out like a welcoming beacon to the weary travellers. The effect was magical, and didn't pass without comment,   
  


"Oh cool, fairy lights. I've got them in my room." said Gemma enthusiastically.  
  


"Yeah, I've got them at home too!" said Hannah, and the two girls fell in to a boisterous conversation, much to the disgust of Haldir, who was trying desperately to generate an air of respect.  
  
"You will be taken to meet Celeborn and Galadriel." said Haldir, whilst giving a re-proving glare at the girls, which was completely lost on them all.  
  


As he finished speaking there was a faint sound in the distance, which sounded suspiciously like a theme tune...  
  


"Sod! Not again." said Gemma. "Ow!"  
  


She rubbed her side as Aragorn nudged her in the ribs.  
  
The group were led by Haldir in to a stunning clearing in the fairy light filled trees, they stood apprehensively in a the silvery court yard surrounded by beautiful architecture.  
  


The girls stood slightly back from the 'official' fellowship members, Rachel stood behind Frodo and Sam with one hand protectively on Frodo's shoulder, (She still hadn't eaten and some bird with fancy lights wasn't taking her Hobbit away from her.)  
  


Kelly hovered behind Merry and Pippin, still holding hands with both of them. Pam and Hannah peered round Aragorn and Boromir, Gemma was lurking behind Legolas  
and trying to stroke his hair.   
  
Suddenly the clearing was filled with a light which hurt the eyes of all non-elves present.  
  
As the girls squinted painfully up at the glowing stairs in front of them, two figures appeared at their head and began to glide down the stairs.  
  


When they reached the bottom they glided up to the Fellowship, the light faded and the figures could be seen clearly.   
  


"I am Galadriel," said the female figure, who was quite frankly, the most beautiful woman any of them had ever seen.  
  


"You are most welcome here, though you bring great danger with you."  
  
Rachel's hand tightened on Frodo's shoulder.  
  



	11. Pam

A/N:  Hello, back again.  Love everyone who has reviewed, especially to Incurelf (my new friend!) and Moon Dragon who seems to be sticking with us!  As I keep saying, we have a lot of university work on at the moment, so please forgive us, as Babes, wonderful as it is, isn't our top priority.  Any offers of anyone wanting to write my essay for Shakespeare and the Classical Example module of my course, while I write Babes, will be considered!  

I know the pace has slowed down a bit, we're trying to get back to our flippant selves again.  Maybe when Two Towers is released we'll have new stuff to think about!  Ra.

************************************

Ah.  The Ring.  Oh yes, of course, the Ring.  Great danger.  In fact the Fellowship had to almost forgotten about the Ring, so confused (and secretly delighted of course) they had been by the appearance of the girls.

Galadriel gave the girls a more than curious glance.  But she was an elf of great grace and dignity, and she'd take her time… and deal with them later.  Right now she had important mind reading business to do.

She scanned the minds of the Fellowship, one by one:  The following were the results.

Frodo: This hobbit was wondering about the ring, why Bilbo was a mad old hobbit who could do weird things to his face, and rather inventive ways of dealing with the problem that Rachel was 5'8.  Most of these were rather rude, and Galadriel tried, and failed to ignore them. He was also wondering whether he should give the ring to Rachel. Galadriel mentally ran away from the scary images of imagined hobbit/human love.

Sam:  Gardening, Bill the Pony and jealousy of Rachel.

Merry: Aargh, more images of hobbit/human love, but this time involving honey and yogurt.  Galadriel was even more disturbed.  He also was thinking how pretty Kelly would look wearing the Ring, and was planning to ambush Frodo at the first opportunity. 

Pippin: Food, and where was he going to get his extra income, now Gandalf was gone.  He'd been Pippin's best customer for his supply of mushrooms and weed. Dammit.

Aragorn: Shameless self promotion, a list of trademarked Aragorn poses (Aragorn twirls his sword, Aragorn swirls his sexy leather jacket, Aragorn looks mean), did he look like a girl in Arwen's jewel, was Boromir better than him, and should he have a wash and shave or go for the rugged manly look? Sex. Also how did he keep Arwen from Eowyn, Eowyn from Arwen and Hannah as far away from both as possible? Oh and what about that sexy barmaid he'd been trying to impress with his brooding looks at Bree before the hobbits had interrupted? Would Hannah like the Ring?  A few crude plans for ambushing Frodo at the first opportunity.

Boromir:   Did he have a bigger sword than Aragorn? Would his dad like Pam?  Rude thoughts about Pam and the Horn of Gondor.  Would Pam like the Ring?  It'd be a good present for her.  Plans to ambush Frodo at the first opportunity.

Gimli:  Still a bit upset about Gandalf, should he grow his beard even longer, and if he gave the Ring to Hannah, would she like him more than Aragorn?  Lot of replays of Hannah's kiss, where she didn't pull away in disgust but instead fell for his rugged dwarven charms… and sculptured dwarven body (which Galadriel noticed was actually rather muscled…well these dwarves are full of surprises).  Was also planning to jump on Frodo at the first opportunity.

Legolas: Am I the prettiest elf ever?  Damn the Fangirls for chasing him.  Gemma's pretty.  Almost as pretty as he was.  Did he need to buy more hair serum? Gemma would look good in the Ring… ambush Frodo at first chance.

Galadriel gave up in disgust.  All obsessed by sex.  The whole bloody lot of them. She wondered briefly whether she should warn Frodo.  She eyed the girls.  They seemed alright.  Slowly she focused on each of them on turn.

Apart from a few rogue thoughts about the Fellowship… Boromir had a rather nice chest she noted from Pam's thoughts, and hobbits could do interesting things with food she discovered from Kelly and Rachel… Galadriel decided they were sensible enough lasses, and would probably do a better job of destroying the Ring than the now rather unfocused Fellowship. She smiled warmly at them.  

"Welcome brave warriors from far off lands (the girls sniggered again).  You must be weary from your exertions.  Come with me, and we shall find you a place where you can relax."

The girls were happy.  The Fellowship tried to follow, and were glared at.  Galadriel looked again.  

'Alright, you can come too.' She pointed at Gimli much to the dismay of the other blokes.

The girls [and dwarf] were led into what looked like a huge bathroom, separated into sections, each with a huge swimming pool sized bath and lots on nice smelly stuff.

'What?  You didn't think that Elves were naturally that attractive did you?" Galadriel grinned. 

The girls grinned back.  They were beginning to like Galadriel, even if she did have a granddaughter that looked like a horse.  Soon all were happily splashing about, and feeling clean for the first time in ages.  They'd suddenly realised how grubby they had become (well, this isn't a movie you know, we get dirty and sweat, and hair grows where we don't want it… all the stuff you can deal with in normality, but hello?  Traipsing through Middle Earth was a different matter!) and how bloody knackered they were.

They had even been supplied copies of Cosmoelf to read, including articles such as 'Is Your Ranger a Player?', 'Help, I'm a Human in Love with A Hobbit…. Does Size Really Matter?', 'My Elf Lover is Prettier Than I Am', 'Does Your Man Of Gondor Like Jewellery More Than You?' and disturbingly, 'Twenty Reasons Why Dwarves Are Hot!'

Soon after the girls and a very fresh looking Gimli were wrapped up in robes while their clothes were cleaned, lying on big squishy sofas, while handsome elves served them drinks, and provided cucumber slices for their eyes.  Gimli had it explained to him that they weren't for eating.  Galadriel had also found hair dryers, hair straighteners and mascara for the girls.  They were in heaven.  Even Rachel put up with it.  

Galadriel joined them.  "I understand that you are taking on a difficult task, but if you do not stray from the path, you shall succeed."

The girls nodded solemnly.  

"Right then.  Boring warning bit out of the way."  Galadriel rubbed her hands together.  "Let's gossip!"

The girls were confused.  Big powerful elf queens were supposed to be dignified and not share gossip.  Plus wasn't she able to read minds? 

"You're no fun!" She complained.  "Tell me anyway."  

The girls eagerly launched into a debate over which of the Fellowship was sexier.  It had been some time since they had.  

Meanwhile, the Fellowship were sulking having been abandoned by Gandalf, and now their womenfolk.  A bizarre singing filled the air.  

'What do they sing?'

'It is a lament for Gandalf,' Legolas blushed.  'I would tell you, but the grief is still too near.'

There was no way he was telling them it was a song singing about what he used to do when he was younger.  He bet Haldir had put them up to it.  Oh alright then.  when he was little Legolas used to pull…

Oh sorry…. Sam decided to start singing.  And interrupted… as usual.

Aragorn was a nervous wreck.  He didn't like the idea that Hannah was chatting to Arwen's Gran.  Who knows what she might say?

Suddenly Merry had an idea…

'No way!  With a hobbit?  I didn't know that was possible…" Galadriel paused, there was a weird noise.  Everyone turned and listened.  Silence.  "Anyway, as I was saying, when Legolas was little, about a 1000years old he would pull open his…"

The noise again.  Galadriel gave the girls a look, and elegantly walked to the door.  She pulled it open.

Merry, Boromir and Legolas fell into the room.  Aragorn who had been struggling to get closer to the door had managed to remain upright.  

Galadriel stood over them, tapping her slim elfin foot.  

The girls were horrified.  Rachel was shocked at getting caught being a girl, she was never one for being a girlie girl, Pam, Gemma and Kelly quickly whipped the cucumber from their eyes, and Gemma tried to rub the face mask from her skin.  Hannah was sulking.  

Merry was grinning daftly at Kelly.  A woman and food.  It was the perfect combination.  Except he could think of better things than cucumber… like chocolate…OW!  Galadriel kicked him as she picked up on his filthy thoughts.  

The four members of the Fellowship noticed Gimli and gaped.

The dwarf had had his hair and beard straightened into long silky locks, and was now happily wearing a strawberry face mask, designed especially for dry skins, and having a manicure, given by a rather smitten male elf. [It was the first dwarf that had ever appreciated his talents with an emery board]

"Out!" Galadriel ordered.  "Haven't you boys got something better to do?" 

They were still staring at Gimli.

"What?" the dwarf asked.  "Just because we're travelling doesn't mean I can't take care of my appearance?" 

They didn't really have an answer to that.  Although Aragorn and Boromir did shuffle slightly and try to disguise their tangled hair.  [Wasn't it manly?]

Galadriel clicked her fingers, and a few hefty looking elf guards walked in, grabbed the kicking and protesting hobbit, and the even more kicking and protesting two men (Legolas went happily, he knew what was coming) and dragged them into the bathroom.  

There was a huge splash, followed by several thrashing noises, and howls of dismay 

["I am son of the Steward of Gondor you know?  *gurgle*splash*aargh*

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of all….*blubblubglubblub*"

"Ooh, tastes like lime,"

"Make sure you get all of the tangles out…."]

Hannah, Pam and Kelly looked a bit worried.  'They'll be okay won't they?' Kelly asked.

"They'll be fine, its just a very long time since any of them had a bath."  Galadriel smiled.  

[Top bird, the girls thought.]

Anyway, it had been a long time since the girls had slept in a nice bed, and were delighted when Galadriel told them they were to be assigned rooms in the palace.  A small group of guards led them through the palace.

'Psst….'

A voice whispered from down a side corridor.  Pam noticed and nudged Kelly.  They paused.

'Psst…"

Kelly noticed a redhead hiding round a corner.  She wasn't quite an elf… in fact, she seemed quite like them….

"Who are you?" Pam whispered, hanging back.  

The girl looked furtively around.  "This is for you."

She thrust a bottle at Kelly.  "I'm Incurelf… I just thought I'd say hi."

"Oh, right, hi," Kelly didn't know what to say.  "Why are you hiding?"

"I'm not supposed to be here… But I've been here for three months learning to be an elf." She shook Kelly by the shoulders.  "I'm not insane!"

Pam prised her away.  "We know you're not, sweetie."

The redhead nodded and then faded away into the shadows.  

Kelly and Pam looked at the bottle.

Oooooh.  

Alcohol.  

This could be fun.  Stuck in Middle Earth, and now with the opportunity to get hammered again.

The girls were very happy.  

*************************

Okay, we'll try and get on with this soon; this is just fillers I guess.  Whetting your appetite for when we have proper time to write again.

Love to all.  


	12. Kelly

... The girls followed one of the female elves along a moonlit colonade of extraordinary workmanship (work_elf_ship?)to the most beautiful bedroom any of them had ever seen. In the case of Pam, Rachel, Hannah and Gemma, especially Gemma, it was also the cleanest room any of them had ever seen.   


 The elf left the girls and they stared about for several shocked, appreciative moments before Gemma ran across the room and threw herself on to the furthest bed, "This is quality! Rach, open that bottle then"  


 Within five minutes the girls were happily prostrate on the floor amidst cushions and quilts drinking blue stuff, plaiting each others hair and giggling in a suitably cheesy American movie slumber party style until Pam suddenly paused,  
  


"Do you think it's a bit weird?"  
  


Hannah looked at over at Pam, or where Pam should be but where there was currently only a Pam shaped blur, she shook her head slightly until Pam came back in to focus,  


"What's weird?"  


 "You know blue stuff, big hole, strange hairy men with swords..."   


 " Wizards" chipped in Rach almost wistfully.  


 " Slimy things with tentacles!" added Gemma who was beginning to get the hang of this.  


 "Cave trolls, girl ones." muttered Kelly darkly, Pam looked at her quizzically. "No really, Gladys, what was that all about?"  


 Pam looked round the room and gestured expansively with her hands, which was unfortunate as one of them was still holding a glass of blue stuff,   


 "So does no-one else think that this is the teeniest bit odd?"  


 " Last time we got drunk we stacked all the empty glasses in to a modern art sculpture and used Pam's camera to take pictures of our cleavages' while she was in the toilets," Kelly pointed out reasonably, "and that was in the pub!"  


 Gemma looked up from examining the interesting blue stain that was developing on the white carpet by Pam''s right knee, "No way! I missed that."   


Pam looked thoughtful, "Yeah I see your point. And any way I suppose this is better than getting up and going to a lecture on Aristotle's theory of tragedy at nine am."  


 Kelly and Hannah nodded vigorously.  


"And its definitely better than bloody 18th Century history and harvesting." said Rachel grimly.  


 "And its better than sex education...." Gemma stopped when she realised the others were pissing themselves laughing. "What?"  


 "God Gemma, there had better be some sex education or why have we bothered!" spluttered Kelly, liberally spraying the carpet with blue stuff.  


"Where are the hairy sword people any way?" asked Pam, surveying the room as though she expected them to leap from behind a bed post at any moment.  


"Oh they're sleeping outside," offered Hannah helpfully.  


The girls turned to look at her.  


Hannah smiled, "It's a hero thing apparently."  
  


*

the next morning broke clear and sunny, with Dawn spreading her long, golden fingers over the beautiful elven landscape with slow, graceful deliberation. It was the sort of morning where the world seemed to sparkle with a vague promise that all would be well, a promise which shimmered like gossamer over the sleepers...  


"Legolas. That had better be your long bow."  
  


Aragorn's voice was steady, but edged with the sort of accent usually reserved for characters in Tarantino movies.  


 The Elf shifted slightly on the ground behind him,  


"Erm, sorry about that," Legolas at least had the grace to sound slightly sheepish. "Well lovely morning isn't it?"   


The other males began to wake, amidst groans, snorts and other manly noises that never seem to find their way in to films...  


Although, as Legolas spotted the girls in the distance, a certain amount of hair smoothing and surreptitious breath-checking did take place. Except for Gimli, who flipped his shiny, fragrant hair and splashed water over his smooth, exfoliated skin, not without an element of smugness.  
  


  
"Morning!" bellowed Rachel, who seemed to combine an ear achingly loud voice with an annoying ability to never get a hangover.   


The boys stared at the shiny, peach scented beings stood before them, until Aragorn reached over and quietly closed Merry and Frodo's gaping mouths.   
  


Merry suddenly frowned and pointed at Kelly,  
  


"What's that on your head?"   


Kelly reached her right hand up to her hair and her face registered a shock of recognition as her fingers met with cold metal...  


 She pulled the tiara off her head and held it between finger and thumb,   
  


"Erm... when I have a drink.. or two...erm I become a princess."  
  


Kelly blushed a deep red which Pam hoped would distract Boromir from the fact that she was pulling tinsel from her own hair.  


Luckily for Kelly, and Pam, a tall and rather willowy female elf appraoched to lead them to Galadriel.   


 They reached a clearing at the water's edge where the elven queen awaited them. Behind her there were boats laden with provisions, they were to begin the next part of the journey.   


 But first...  


"I have gifts to give you, that will help you on your journey."  


 The Fellowship plus extras, lined up humbly in front of Galadriel and stood reverently awaiting her words, well except for Rachel who nudged Gimli in the ear and stage whispered, "Doesn't she remind you of Julie Christie?"   


 Boromir glared down the line at them, then he reached over and removed an errant piece of silver tinsel from Pam's hair  


Galadriel presented Merry and Pippen with small but beautifully formed daggers on elegant yet sturdy belts. They clasped them firmly to their chests in rapturous delight, Sam, it has to be said, was less than pleased then to receive a bit of rope.  


He opened his mouth to speak but Galadriel cut him off,   


"I know what I'm doing you know!"   


Suitably chastised Sam stepped back but nontheless allowed himself at least one covetous glance at Pippen's dagger.  


 To Legolas she presented a long bow crafted by the greatest elvish bow maker that ever lived, looking like a boy who had just received a BMX for christmas he tried to demonstrate the greatness of the bow to Gemma, who, all credit to her, certainly did a cracking impression of someone who cared.  


To Frodo she presented a small vial of something that looked suspiciously like Absinthe, although reading Rachel's mind the elf turned and shook her head. Rachel shrugged, it was only a thought...  


 As she stood in front of Aragorn, Galadriel launched in to a stream of Elvish in which Hannah was certain she picked up the word 'Arwen.' Pam and Kelly reached out restraining hands as Hannah took a step closer to her man.   


Then Galadriel moved to Gimli. who was clutching his axe in a most disturbing manner and staring up at Galadriel like a lovesick school boy. After a short conversation the elf very slowly reached up and pulled three hairs from her head and gave them to the dwarf.  
  


At least that's what he claimed afterwards, to be perfectly honest it looked to the others like she just scratching her head and it wasn't like Gimli could produce three hairs that the others could see and prove they were hers.   


As the men stood examining their gifts Galadriel moved to the girls.  
  


"You are an unexpected addition to this party which neither I nor Lord Elrond had forseen. However, I believe i have some gifts which may be of use to you if you wish to continue on this quest."  
  


The girls, as one, smiled winningly at the elf. There is nothing a girl wont do for a present...  
  


To Hannah she presented a small, yet incredibly ornate sword. Hannah immediately began making Jedi like sweeps through the air with the blade and Galadriel began to look ever so slightly worried.  
  


To Rachel she...  
  


"Look Rachel, no offence, but do you honestly think I'm going to give you a sword, or a sharp blade of any description?"  
  


Rachel adopted a look of injured pride, reflected, and then smiled, "Fair enough. What do I get then?"   
  


Galadriel handed her an L.A. Dodgers baseball bat,  
  


"I figured this was much more your style. There's a matching cap."  
  


Rachel pulled the cap on and swung the bat back with such force that Gemma had to dive out of the way before she lost a rib.  
  


To Pam the elf presented a black ebony fountain pen. Pam couldn't hide her disappointment.  
  


"Remember the saying Pam" Galadriel murmered as she moved away.  
  


Pam pulled the lid off the pen to discover a small blade which turned in to a sort of small spear when she pressed the end of the pen.  
  


"Oh my god! I guess the pen really is mightier than the oww!"  
  


Pam hadn't been quick enought to dodge Rachel's home run and was ploughed in to the ground by Rachel who only had a vague knowledge of the rules of baseball.  
  


Kelly stopped laughing to look the elven queen in the... well kind of the collarbone area really, if we're being honest.  
  


"And Kelly, what gift should I give to you?"   
  


Kelly looked around to make sure the others were to pre-occupied to overhear and then stood on tip-toe to whisper in Galadriel's ear.  
The elf's eyes began to dance with laughter as she listened,   
  


"Very well then child, you shall have your wish too in the fullness of time."  
  


Then she turned to Gemma,   
  


"And your heart's desire, the thing that shall help you most."  
  


And she presented Gemma with......................................................  
.....................................................................................................  
a pair of ceramic hair straighteners.  
  


As the other girls looked up in confusion, Gemma smiled.  
  


"These are wicked! Oh my God, do you know how expensive these are! Ah nice one mate, cheers."  
  


Galadriel laughed, and Legolas looked at Gemma with a mixture of horror at calling the queen of the elves 'mate', admiration at getting away with it and jealousy, because he really did want a pair of straighteners.  
 

"It is time."  
  


As Galadriel spoke the last of the provisions were loaded in to the boats and the new fellowship began to board.  
  


This activity however took some time as the girls organised a seating plan which made everybody happy and ended with Hannah, Aragorn, Pam and Boromir in one boat, Legolas and Gemma, Frodo Rachel and Sam in another boat and Gimli Merry Kelly and Pippen in a third. With Kelly wedged firmly, and quite happily between Merry and Pippen the group set off.  
  


As they pulled away from the shore and left behind them the safety and security of Lothlorien to face the unknown perils ahead the voice of Legolas could clearly be heard across the gently rippling water,   
  


"Please swap with me Gemma."  
  


"No."  
  


"Can I borrow them then? I'll give them back.."  
  


"No!"  
...........................................  



End file.
